Peterson left to mourn the loss of a comedy goldmine
By Mike LeMike, Humour Contributor
Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson has refused to write a single word since the Oscars debacle the Sunday before last, professing herself to be in deep mourning for an article that never came to light.
“The deadline… it just didn’t line up,” she sobbed, in an interview with a representative from her own section of the Other Press last week. “It would have been so beautiful, Mike LeMike, so fucking perfect…”
The incident that Peterson was referring to is that of the Best Picture mix-up marking the end of the Academy Awards ceremony, in which La La Land was falsely announced as the category’s winner, only to hand their Oscars off to the makers of Moonlight once the error was brought to light. Late night talk show hosts leapt on the amazing material, able to cover the incident from every possibly humorous angle while it was still fresh in everyone’s minds, and memes spawning from the event circulated widely in the days that followed.
Tragically, however, the Other Press only publishes once a week on Tuesday, with section editor deadlines on Saturday. As such, there was no chance to cover the incident while it was still at all relevant.
“You don’t understand, my job is so fucking hard, man,” Peterson continued. “It’s hard to be funny. I mean it’s easy for me because, let’s face it, I’m hilarious and every single one of my jokes lands without exception. But it’s hard to come up with ideas for full-length articles that are all humour-related. You know the Onion doesn’t even do that? Those writers just get to drop a funny, click-bait title and pair it with a good stock image, then maybe write about 250 words of content. I’m an artist. I deserve to catch a break every once in a while, and this Oscars shit… it would have been such a wonderful break!”
Peterson concluded this speech by crying gently into a bowl of garlic mashed potatoes, her preferred comfort food.
In other news, humour contributor Mike LeMike is quitting his job as a humour writer, as he is tired of Peterson’s tyranny and of the name Mike LeMike in general. He assures his loyal fans that he will still likely show up in future humour articles because Peterson cannot be stopped, but he is not happy about it and is currently trying to trademark the stupid name so she can never use it again.