In Focus: Local asshole continues to make world worse

humour_local asshole

Man spreads wrath to all

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Retail clothing store manager, Rob Linden, is renowned by his community, employees, and family for being a constant source of misery, anxiety, and intimidation to all. Particularly known for throwing his weight around in as many situations as possible and for his inability to retain a quiet or profanity-free conversation, Rob is a truly negative asset to all those he comes in contact with.

“Normally I get along with most folks, but Rob is just one of the worst people I’ve ever met,” said schoolteacher and crisis hotline volunteer Ned Murray. “His kids played Little League with my kids, and he was always getting thrown out of games for yelling and throwing beer bottles at the umpire. I know there isn’t any crying in baseball, but don’t tell that to his son after striking out.”

Elizabeth Linden, Rob’s sister, confirmed that Rob’s general jerk-ass-ness “isn’t due to some horrible event that happened when he was growing up … he’s just always been a terrible person. I can’t recall a single interaction we had that wasn’t hostile. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad towards my family relationship, but I suppose, ‘what else could you expect from Rob?’”

Even Rob’s wife and children confirmed his unpleasantness. “I ask myself every day how I stand being in the same room as this man for more than a minute,” said Rob’s wife of 10 years. “If not for the $10-million he won in the lottery when we first started dating, I would’ve married someone else long ago. Perhaps a nice schoolteacher, someone who volunteers.”

“Daddy’s a real asshole,” added Rob’s five-year-old daughter, Becky.

I caught up with Rob personally at a Starbucks during his self-extended lunch hour. After bringing the barista to tears for serving him the wrong type of coffee, Rob demanded to know what “liberal lame-stream media” I was with. After politely explaining which college I was from (“one of the worst in the country, only hacks and brainwashed nerds go there,” he replied) and my interest in journalism with a focus on human interest stories (or in Rob’s words, “pussies writing about self-righteous losers”) we began the interview. Rob gleefully described his interests in viewing professional contact sports, being active in Conservative party politics, and attending homeowner association meetings.

At press time, Rob was spotted driving out of the two parking spots he takes up at work while telling a homeless man begging for change to get a job.