New program rewards students for skills in lethargy
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Do you feel that your true strengths are not being properly recognized as a part of your academic program? Do you thrive in an environment of mediocre inactivity? Starting winter 2024, Douglas College is launching an exciting new degree program in Academic Indifference. The program—which offers slothful students the opportunity to earn an eight-year-ish bachelor’s degree in General Nothingness—responds to an overwhelming surge of students who feel like they are not being recognized for their aptitude in sitting around, zoning out, and playing on their phones during class.
“Like, I don’t know,” said potential first-year student Chloe Silverado. “I guess I could do it, if my mom, like, makes me.”
Program head and Razzie Award-acclaimed Twilight actress Kristen Stewart echoed Silverado’s sentiments about the new program, stating succinctly, “Whatever.”
Graduates of the flexible degree program can look forward to so-so careers as movie extras, sperm donors, and IT support. For more information, do not contact Douglas College.
Interested? Here is a sampling of potential courses to be offered in Academic Indifference:
Apathy 1101: This intro course offers students lessons in ennui. Coursework is focussed around watching old episodes of Girls and then tweeting about how “real” you find the characters. This course is the only pre-requisite class in the program, as organizers got tired of thinking about requiring anything else and gave up after writing this syllabus.
Studies in halfheartedly hiding that you’re texting 2023: This course explores methods of texting without being super obvious about it—but without, like, stressing over it. Examples include texting behind a shield of your own hair and texting when you’re pretty sure your instructor’s back is turned.
Skipping stuff 3012: This course investigates strategies for developing essential life skills in not showing up to commitments—without failing your course or getting fired from your job. The class features an innovate curriculum in which students are rewarded for coming up with increasingly creative excuses for not attending class (e.g. cat funeral).