‘Yeah, I’m a Taurus. So, what?’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
“Astrology is a load of shit,” William Callahan told press while wearing his stained, ripped Golden State Warriors jersey that he deemed “lucky.” “Anybody who believes in it is stupid and probably a woman.”
In a bold move that nobody asked for, Callahan, basketball superfan, held a press conference last Tuesday to renounce all astrology as “fake and dumb.” Astrology, the study of the movement and positions of celestial bodies, has been studied since around 2,000 BCE. Ancient astrologers used the stars and planets in the solar system to predict significant events and seasonal weather patterns, a practice Callahan referred to as “completely brainless.”
“I would never rely on something as dumb and arbitrary as the highly visible moons and planets around me to define my fate,” Callahan said, his mouth dusted with crumbs from a bag of Fritos. “People should believe in something real, like how my jersey is gonna help the Warriors go all the way this season.”
Callahan’s jersey, covered in an unidentified sauce on one sleeve and something oddly neon on the other, was the very same jersey that he claimed propelled the Oakland team to victory in 2015.
“I was wearing it at Big Bad John’s Sports Bar and Grill,” Callahan announced to press, visibly spitting on them as he talked. “I ordered my classic ‘lucky’ order, two pounds of John’s Nitro Heat Blast Wings and a side order of nacho cheese to dunk them in. I don’t shower for a week prior to the big game. I start drinking at exactly 7 am. I’ve perfected this ritual over the years and I’m confident it’ll help us this season.”
Astrology has gained popularity over the years, culminating into worldwide interest. Many people, like local astrology buff Amanda Lowe, find astrology to be both a fun and entertaining hobby.
“I love astrology,” Lowe told reporters. “I’ve always had an interest in outer space. I’ll admit I don’t know a lot, but I enjoy doing my own research and talking to others who know more than me. I’m not going to make a career out of it or anything, but it’s so cool to think about my place in the universe. I’ve met a lot of friends through message boards. Plus honestly it’s just plain fun!”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Callahan said after hearing Lowe’s remarks from a member of the press. “Are you kidding me? Believing in a giant crab in the sky? What’s next, thinking the gravitational pull of the moon affects anything on Earth? What an absolute crock of shit. Mark my words, those hippies are dumb enough to believe in just about anything.”
Callahan paused here to eat a drumette.
When asked about the possibility of the Golden State Warriors losing the season, Callahan scoffed.
“How could they lose? I’m wearing my lucky jersey, aren’t I?”