Jonah Hill’s Oscars acceptance speech
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
At Sunday’s 86th Academy Awards, internationally acclaimed thespian Jonah Hill lost out in the Best Actor in a Supporting Role category for his breathtaking performance in The Wolf of Wall Street. While audiences were deeply saddened to be denied the glory of Hill’s anticipated acceptance speech, the Other Press has received exclusive access to what we are fairly sure might be Hill’s acceptance speech. For your consideration:
Please, please, sit down. No seriously, sit down. Yeah, I’m talking to you, James Franco. I don’t fucking need you anymore.
[pause for dramatic effect]
Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, you are about to witness a murder.
[pause for reaction]
Yeah, you heard me. I have been plotting, planning, waiting for this moment for years. The moment where I can finally kill “Jonah Hill, Michael Cera’s fat friend” and emerge, like a beautiful genius butterfly trapped in a cocoon of Judd Apatow’s lukewarm comedy, as my true self: Oscar-winner Jonah Hill Feldstein, Leonardo DiCarprio’s best friend forever.
When I was younger, people used to laugh at me—you assholes, actually. You all used to say “Jonah, you’re too big and your eyes are too crazy or your delivery is over the top.” You told me I was the worst thing about Superbad. You made fun of my weight, and then you made Tumblrs about how I look like a skinny ventriloquist’s doll when I lost the weight, and then you called me “Superfat” when I put a little back on.
[pause to smirk at that stupid, handsome loser Bradley Cooper]
Well, while you guys were busy being total dicks, I just stayed at home, worked on my craft, and re-watched my Titanic two-tape VHS box set until I could play the part of Rose in my sleep. And then I did that. I played the part of Rose from Titanic in my sleep for, like, 10 years.
[pause for uproarious laughter]
Well, now I’m standing here before you: I am now Leo’s best friend, Martin Scorsese’s protégé, and a mother-bleeping Oscar-winner. Now that I’ve won this award, I can finally tell you all how much I hate you. Now that I am no longer Jonah “no real friends” Hill, now that I am Academy Award-winner Jonah “no new friends because Leo’s my bff” Hill, I can finally—for the first time in my godforsaken life—be happy.
[hoist Oscar statuette above head, mightily]
Thank you, and FU.
[literally drop the mic]