‘We just didn’t expect them to run so fast’
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Herald Roden, McDonald’s representative, held a press conference yesterday to publicly apologize for the disturbance and distress their recent miscalculation has caused for the citizens of Taber, a small town in Alberta.
“We were just trying to create a better source of meat for our customers,” stated Roden. “We apologize for any disruption this has caused the citizens of Taber.”
For the past two years, McDonald’s has been genetically developing ten-legged chickens to increase their amount of dark meat production. They finally succeeded at the end of September, but things did not go as planned once the genetically altered chickens grew to adult size.
“On September 30, our group of mature, multi-legged chickens ran up and over the 30-foot wall surrounding our lab,” stated Roden. “These chickens proceeded to reach speeds of up to 200 kilometers an hour as they ran towards the town of Taber in hopes of finding their desired food source: Corn.”
According to newly published research, these GMO chickens need to eat ten times more corn than the average chicken.
“We built our plant in Taber because of their large amount of corn production; we needed a lot of corn available to us at all times,” stated Roden.
McDonald’s security tried to catch the 10-legged chickens, but were unsuccessful.
“We knew they’d be fast, but we didn’t think they would be fast enough outrun our security vehicles,” stated Roden. “Despite our attempts, they made their way into the town and began terrorizing citizens.”
According to reports, the chickens ran into the nearest corn processing plant, Kernel of Truth, and began attacking the employees.
“Oh lord, it was awful,” stated Joe Righten, Kernel of Truth employee. “They all just came in through the doors, vents, and windows—feathers and legs were flying everywhere. The only reason I survived was because I pushed my supervisor into the oncoming wave of freak chickens. Take that, Steve. Now who’s late coming back from their lunch break?”
McDonald’s security arrived at the processing plant 20 minutes later, and discovered that the alpha GMO chicken, nicknamed “Legolas” by authorities, had taken the employees hostage. The team carefully planned their strategy before raiding the building to rescue those trapped inside.
“After four hours of planning, we decided to sneak in through the back and just throw a large blanket over all of them,” stated Roden. “It worked; the chickens thought it was night and fell asleep.”
After wrapping all of the chickens in the blanket, the security team safely released the employees.
“McDonald’s is working towards a compensation package for every member of the town that was personally affected by this incident,” stated Roden. “We hope to personally deliver a chicken-themed gift basket to anyone that fills out Chicken Trauma Form A132, which is available on our website.”
When asked whether or not the citizens would appreciate a chicken-themed gift basket after the terrifying incident, Roden refused to answer any more questions until the press acknowledged whether or not they understood the Legolas joke.
“I worked really hard on that name, we all did,” stated Roden.
When told that the press got it Roden just repeated over and over “But do you really get it, though?”