‘The future is rn’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
“I feel so free,” Melanie Bark told press. “I’ve never felt this good IRL.”
Bark, a 24-year-old-student, has finally learned how to assert herself over text without compromise.
“It’s about time,” she added.
Bark, like many others her age, has an unfortunate text affliction that sociologist Peter Krauss has named “textbarassment.”
“Yes, it’s a horrible portmanteau. I probably could’ve worked harder on that one,” Krauss sheepishly told press. “Anyway, textbarassment is when someone feels that they’re coming on too strong over text and uses an excess of acronyms to alleviate their own words—even when it’s not needed.”
In Bark’s case, she would often use the acronym LOL (meaning “laugh out loud”).
“Even when I wasn’t really laughing at all,” Bark said.
However, LOL wasn’t her only vice. A deep search into her iMessage and Messenger history revealed Bark’s “textbarassment” went deeper than Other Press reporters could have ever guessed.
“I remember Melanie once asked me for an extension on a paper she was writing,” Professor Jeanette McCradle recounted. “At least I thought that’s what she was asking. She emailed something along the lines of, ‘hey prof. McCradle! sorry could I PLS have an extension lmaoooo FML FML FML.’ There were so many acronyms thrown in there that I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not. I ended up giving her a failing grade. Had I known she suffered from ‘textbarassment…’ well, it might’ve been a different story. I still would have failed her, but it would’ve been a different story.”
Krauss explains that the need for “textbarassment” can stem from several different sources.
“Primarily, ‘textbarassment’ can affect those with low self-esteem or people who don’t want to ask people to do things outright. More young women than men have textbarassment because modern society shames them for asking for anything, and many don’t want to appear to be ‘needy’ or ‘rude.’ But usually textbarassment results in the receiver being more annoyed than if the texter just said what they wanted to say outright.”
Even Bark’s family suffered at the hands of her “textbarassment.”
“Our Grandma Heather passed away last April,” Bark’s sister Juliette told reporters. “I was away at school in Montreal and got Melanie’s text during finals week. It said, ‘grandma died lmfao,’ and I was like, did grammy die? Was Melanie just making a joke? It was horrible and I’ve honestly never forgiven her for it. I’m glad that she’s finally taken control over her texting. It’s long overdue.”
Bark’s horrible texting often interfered with her social life.
“I thought Melanie tried to ask me out once, but I wasn’t sure,” local heartthrob Christopher Seward told press. “It would get to the point where I couldn’t really tell what she was asking me. There were so many ‘LOLLLL’s and ‘hahahahahaha’s thrown in that I couldn’t make sense of it. I thought it was a joke or something. I’m married with a kid on the way now. Too bad.”
Bark stated that she is excited to start the new chapter of her life.
“Finally, I can say how I really feel. No need to sound cool or laid back. Here’s hoping 2019 is my year—YOLO!”