This isn’t even my size—but I’ll fight to the death for it!’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
It was pandemonium in Metropolis at Metrotown on November 23 as hordes of shoppers fought for Black Friday sales. Their prize? Items they didn’t need—or even want.
“I just bought the ugliest pants I’ve ever seen,” Phillip Kristofferson, 26, said. “Seriously, they’re butt-ugly. But I’ll be damned if anyone else in this mall could buy them. I fought, and I fought hard for these pleated brown trousers that I’ll probably never even wear.”
Though Black Friday is primarily an American tradition (following American Thanksgiving, also known as the celebration of a cultural genocide), many Canadian retailers have adopted the “holiday” as their own.
“Lots of the things I bought are just articles of clothing that I called ‘too ugly to even look at, let alone buy’ in the summer,” sad Sophie Wellings, 24. “Look at this shirt—it says ‘GIRL POWER 4EVER AT THE BEACH.’ What does that even mean? Does that mean that I can’t have ‘GIRL POWER’ when I’m not at the beach? Anyways, because it was on sale, I absolutely had to have it.”
Store owners were certainly reaping the profits of the holiday.
“It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” Trisha Rowes, manager of Below the Belt, told reporters. “We didn’t even have anything on sale. People went absolutely nuts for our mid-quality denim. I saw two ladies almost kill each other over a pair of bootcut jeans. Bootcut isn’t even in style anymore!”
After their first hour of interviews, reporters noticed mall patrons becoming more and more aggressive about getting what they perceived were good deals. Swarmed by packs of shoppers who were foaming at the mouth, reporters took refuge atop the Starbucks kiosk in the food court, shouting down to interviewees.
“I’ve been camped out here since Wednesday,” Stella Hopkins, 34, yelled up at the Other Press reporters. “I called in sick to work and I’ve been sleeping in a tent and peeing in a jar. I’ve literally lost money on this.”
Here Hopkins paused to beat back an elderly grandmother who was attempting to grab her bags.
“I’ve managed to sell some blood to a gang on the first floor for some extra cash. Tons of people are bleeding out from price tag papercuts, so blood is in high demand.”
Hopkins tore a strip of fabric off the bottom of her shirt to wrap her fist up. “Okay, wish me luck guys. I’m heading into Aritzia, heard it’s a real bloodbath in there. But you know I need me a cocoon coat!”
“Yup, it’s pretty vicious out here,” mall security guard Stan Blythe, 43, screamed as he roller-skated around the Starbucks kiosk. “Happens every Black Friday.”
Blythe used his baton to beat apart two women fighting over a Lululemon bag. “The first floor is pretty much a no-go—there’s two rival gangs down there camped out in both The Bay and Sport Chek. The Sport Chek crew has an athletic advantage, but The Bay has their housewares department, so it’s really anyone’s game at this point.”
Mid-interview, a series of high-pitched shrieks rang out across the food court. The blood drained from Blythe’s face. “Oh God, that’s coming from Forever 21—I have to go! Save yourselves!” he shouted as he skated away.
As darkness fell, reporters huddled close in an effort to stay warm. An intern managed to crawl to the pastry case for sustenance.
“If you think this is bad, you should see Boxing Day!” information desk worker Aliyah Savoy, 28, yelled as she clung to the A&W sign.