‘They’re just too spooky’ declare customers
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
After hundreds of complaints, Shoppers Drug Mart announced a full recall of their Spooky4U Halloween decorations. The product, which consists of several different plastic decorations, seems normal upon first glace. Unfortunately, according to reports, it’s a very different story once you open the packaging.
“As soon as I opened it, my dead grandmother’s soul shot out from the packaging,” stated Chris Alleck, local homeowner. “She started screaming ‘HELP ME,’ and just kept on yelling and clawing at me until I closed the bag shut. That’s not what Halloween’s about, that’s fucking terrifying.”
“My package opened a door to hell,” stated Linda Willman, Richmond resident. “I didn’t know what to do; I don’t have a building permit for that.”
Before it was recalled, Spooky4U decorations were also available on Amazon.ca and quickly accumulated thousands of negative reviews. According to Amazon’s database, it set a new record for the most negative reviews received for a product in the shortest amount of time, beating out Crocks’ newest line of Snuggies.
“I’ll never buy this product again,” wrote Amazon user, 69nice69nice. “All the plastic skeletons in the packaging came to life as soon as I opened it. They started wailing terrible things about my future; things I can only assume were true based on the fact that the skeleton’s empty eye sockets were bleeding while they were speaking. I just wasn’t ready for that, you know. I didn’t need a deep realization of my morality; I’m only 40. My mid-life crisis isn’t supposed to come for another ten years. 0/5 stars.”
“I purchased these decorations to show up my next-door neighbor, Joe. He always had the scariest decorations on our street,” wrote another Amazon user, Jackson3.14. “But now Joe is dead. 2/5 stars.”
Along with recalling the product, Shoppers Drug Mart issued a statement addressing the situation.
“We apologize for any confusion and upset this product may have caused,” stated CEO, John Arbuk. “To be completely transparent, this product was the first in a series of a line created by our new head developer. After further investigation, we figured out that our new developer was actually Satan in disguise. Unfortunately, we didn’t know until it was too late. It took thousands of man hours to figure it out, and one guy with a large broom to get him to leave. Again, we deeply apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. We have scrapped that line, and want to get back to what Halloween is actually about: Sugar, plastic, and corn.”
Shoppers Drug Mart hopes to launch its new line of Halloween decorations, NotSpooky@All, next year.
