Millennials disguised as bankers responsible for 2009 economic recession

Despite being 14 at the time, young people are finally blamed for the housing crash

By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer

New reports have come to light indicating that the bankers responsible for the 2009 economic recession and housing crisis were, at the time, 6 14-year-olds dressed up as adults. This confirms long-held suspicions that millennials are the cause of the current economic crisis, and perhaps all crises past and present.

These bankers reportedly caused the collapse by tapping away at their phones for hours when they were supposed to be interacting with people at the New York Stock Exchange, where the housing market is located. Their failure to pay attention to their surroundings caused the entire system to enter into rapid decline, once again proving the folly of youths and their smartphones.

The discovery comes hot on the heels of other accusations against those aged 20–30, with the young adults being held responsible for the economic hardships of the video rental industry, the cable companies, local grocers, and the post office. These accusations have been vehemently denied by millennials the world over, in Facebook posts and increasingly bitter student newspaper articles. Despite these protests, however, the world at large is grateful for a scapegoat that isn’t financially stable enough to defend themselves at political rallies or in issues of the Wall Street Journal.

“If they just learned to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, this country wouldn’t be going to hell,” said David Macintosh, a Seattle man who seemingly isn’t aware that it’s physically impossible to pick yourself up by bootstraps. His sentiment has been repeated across North America and beyond as the contempt for younger generations increases, coincidentally aligning with economic and environmental disasters decades in the making. How exactly millennials are responsible for events set into motion long before their birth is difficult to understand, but scientists at Harvard are working hard on new and innovative ways to blame young people for the melting ice caps, geopolitical tensions in the Middle-East, and Columbia shuttle disaster of 2003.

“Most of this research is based around people playing too much Pokémon Go, the cause of all global problems, along with liberalism,” says Ben Garrison, right-wing newspaper comic artist and avid fan of “news” sites such as InfoWars. “They’re too plugged into their machines to get good, healthy jobs, like coal mining or cow rustling.”

The six accused “bankers” have been tracked down to a single two-bedroom basement suite in Surrey, where they’ve been living for the past eight years blowing all their income on frivolous things such as not being homeless, instead of being responsible adults and contributing to the consumer economy by buying luxury items like diamonds.