By default, a sequel has a 25 percent chance of being better and a 75 percent chance of being worse. Therefore, we need a sequel.
These movies were bad, so we should refresh them as a chance to earn back their dignity
By Tariq Ghanzi, Contributor
Street Fighter (1994)
Imagine zero tangible plot and cheap 1990s special FX with Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking people and whatnot. Now, recast everyone to their original roles and use the exact same special effects now with even less story. That way, we can have the ultimate vapid Street Fighter experience with the minimal possible corruption of a storyline. As a matter of fact, no script. Adlib everything and only accept one take for every scene. Boom mic in view? That’s scenery now. Car drives by when you are supposed to be on a desolate island? Still scenery. Background actors screw up? Who cares!!
2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus (2021)
The greatest in amateur German Christian cinema. Let me outline the original for you; this movie features a small ragtag band of German Christians who are functionally the last Christians on earth because Christianity was banned in 2020. Wait, there’s more. They restart global Christianity by painting fish on trees in Germany and sending CDs around the world. But wait, like all good faith movies someone has to die; cue the death of our spunky, hip, young Christian leader. So how do we have a sequel if our leader is dead? Cue the Hand of Jesus and this man will rise like Lazarus! Now, he can leave Germany and paint fish on trees in other countries!!! That’s what the entire sequel will be: him just painting fish on trees and handing out CDs.
Run Hide Fight (2020)
This movie was not terrible but it certainly was not good. By default, a sequel has a 25 percent chance of being better and a 75 percent chance of being worse. Therefore, we need a sequel. Since the first one was about a school shooting, the sequel should be about a mall shooting. More importantly, a group of plucky Trump-supporting, moderately dressed (I mean dressed in moderation not near to naked) cheerleaders whose fathers were all in the military should do their darndest to save the day! Maybe the attackers can be a Russian-backed, Venezuelan trained, Al-Qaeda splinter cell just to keep it interesting. Let’s make it more interesting and have a Democrat be involved in some evil way but then they join the good guy Republican side.