Neither God nor Satan wants Trump in the afterlife

I mean, quite honestly, who would want to deal with that asshole for all of eternity?

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Diplomatic negotiations between the metaphysical manifestations of good and evil broke down again this week over discussions regarding the final resting place of current United States president Donald (God having to write out this sentence is soul-withering) Trump.

“Well, he’s obviously not coming to heaven, are you kidding me?” said God in a statement to the Vatican over the weekend.

“Look, depending on who you are and what you believe, you probably think the heavenly screening process is one of two things: Either it lets the morally just and kind people in, regardless of whether or not they followed arbitrary rules written over a millennium ago, OR you hang your hat on those arbitrary rules and hope really hard that all that hippie shit about ‘love thy neighbour’ and ‘the meek shall inherit the Earth’ is just filler. So looking at it from either of those perspectives, you tell me: Should I let Donald Trump in? Donald Trump, who seems to exhibit no sense or understanding of right and wrong? Donald Trump, who has broken pretty much all 10 of my most basic rules and regulations? No, that man can go straight to Hell, quite frankly, and I won’t even gaze forlornly upon him as one of my lost children when he succumbs to the darkness.”

“Aw Hell no,” said Lucifer, in his own statement to several Satanic churches worldwide. “Yeah, okay, I get it, I’m supposed to take in all the bad guys because I’m supposedly a bad guy—though really you’d think offering to take in every lost soul my dad doesn’t want kind of makes me the Helga Hufflepuff of Christian mythology, but anyway. My point is, I have some pretty cool people down here (and a lot of very not cool people down here, to be fair). I don’t want to inflict that steaming mess of bullshit on them; that’s bordering on cruel and unusual punishment. And anyway, I don’t want to have to personally deal with the guy. He freaks me out. No one should be that orange.”

“Well what’s the point of having a Hell if I can’t stuff a Me-damned dictator in it every once in a while?” said God. “Seriously, it’s supposed to be a punishment for my disobedient and rebellious child and all who follow in his fiery footsteps, not a vacation house. He’ll just have to suck it up and let the man in.”

“My Dad seems to think that just because you lead one minor rebellion against the Hosts of Heaven, you have to be the one to spend eternity babysitting a bunch of horrible assholes to underline how much of a horrible asshole you supposedly are,” said Satan. “Like, okay, I get it Dad, I pissed you off and now I’m grounded forever. Great. I’m still not taking Donald Dad-damned Trump after he finally does the world a solid and kicks it!”

Apparently both God and Satan wrote to deities from other religions asking if they would take Donald Trump’s soul off their hands. So far, the responses have all been resoundingly and firmly negative, with one email back simply reading “ha ha ha, no.”