Are you to blame?
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Late last Monday, concerned mother Darla Lang learned what it was like to live in her very own horror story. She had brought her sickly son Timmy to the hospital, as he was showing signs of the smallpox virus.
Smallpox, having been eradicated in the past, is easily curable by today’s medicine. However, Lang was in for a shock the moment she stepped into the Emergency Room.
“It was ridiculous!” Lang said. “All they did was tell him to look as sad and as cute as possible, took a picture of him, and then they left!”
Nurses told Lang that it was all a part of their procedures, but Lang was devastated a few hours later, when the doctor arrived to tell her that there was nothing they could do for her son.
“I’m sorry Ms. Lang, but Timmy did not receive enough Facebook likes to warrant our immediate attention,” Dr. Neal Harvey had told her late that night. “You’ll have to gain social media support on your own.”
Evidently, no amount of tears, money, or shouting could sway the doctor’s opinion, as he said it was an “electronically monitored system,” and he might lose likes if he went ahead with the procedure.
This new policy in hospitals is especially troubling, as this year marks the 10-year anniversary since ominous chain emails were found in inboxes everywhere. Hospitals are being filled to capacity by patients, many of whom sport slash marks, bites, and lacerations from various horror movie antagonists.
“Why didn’t I forward that email to 10 of my friends!” screamed a victim of Bloody Mary while nurses wheeled her blood-covered stretcher over to the designated “Facebook Picture Taker” booth.
It is not clear why exactly this new policy has taken place, though many rich, popular, Caucasian families seem pleased with the new course of action.
“Oh, it’s just great,” said father Scott Crooge, “My daughter always gets splinters playing in the life-sized dollhouse we had made for her, and last time we had to wait a whole 30 minutes before receiving attention. Now all we have to do is put her adorable little face on Facebook and bam! Right in the doors!”
The reasons behind doctors implementing this new policy regarding who receives surgery certainly is tiptoeing the ethical tightrope.
Regardless, Ms. Lang would like us to urge you to like little Timmy’s Facebook page, and get him on his way to a healthy life. Or don’t, and be a part of this poor, small child’s suffering.
Do you really want to be that monster?
This piece is a satirical humour article.