Don’t you dare even think about getting Bardot bangs
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
A recent interview with hairstylist Rebecca Friedland last Sunday revealed that it doesn’t matter what hairstyle you choose—you’ll still be ugly.
“A lot of people come into my salon asking me what hairstyle suits their face, or if they would suit bangs or not,” Friedland, owner of Bangs for Your Buck, told Other Press reporters. “Most of the time, I just tell them that no matter what they do, they’re weird-looking and they will probably die alone.”
Andrea Trobek, a Sociology professor from Simon Fraser University, noted in science magazine Psychology, like, Tomorrow that “for most people, the debate between side bangs and blunt bangs is the most fundamental existential crisis since deciding where to go for dinner last night.”
Little do they know, their fringe choice won’t make a dent on the grotesque monstrosity that is the face they were born with.
“People think making a drastic change in their hair choice will change their life for the better. The average person spends an average of eight days in their lifetime debating between side bangs and blunt bangs. That’s eight whole days that you could spend on accepting your hideous face for how it really is and going to the gym to work on your awful body as well. And while you’re at it, you should stop by the dentist and stop slouching. It’s very unbecoming.”
Friedland, who has been a stylist for over nine years, said people often bring in photos of models or celebrities that they want to base their own hairstyles on.
“The one thing wrong with this approach is that models and celebrities are good-looking,” Friedland explained. “It’s pretty much their everyday job. Emma Stone could get a mullet and look daring and innovative. But the average person? Not so much.”
“This woman brought in a picture of Jennifer Aniston and asked for her hair,” Friedland recounted to reporters. “I sat her in the chair and made her look at herself in the mirror. I said, ‘Sweetie, you don’t look like Jennifer Aniston. And you’re never gonna look like Jennifer Aniston, even with some lowlights and face-framing texture.’ It was tough, but she had to hear it. She’s been a faithful client ever since—in fact, I’m cutting her hair next week.”
Trobek has been studying the link between ending relationships and getting blunt bangs. “It’s basic human instinct—as the relationship begins to falter, people will find themselves frantically googling ‘Amelie film bangs,’ ‘Beyonce short hair bob bangs,’ and ‘pixie cut DIY.’ Although the urge to grab the scissors may be strong, try and refrain. You’re already ugly and it really, really shows.”
Is there any hope for the individual who is looking for an all-around face flattering option that will make them look more sophisticated and stylish?
“Yes,” says Friedland. “I recommend plastic surgery.”
