August 31, 5042
By the Guild of Human Studies, multiple authors
This document is intended for research purposes only. Any circulation of these papers outside an academic setting is strictly prohibited. Lizard people must refrain from using transcripts pages as papier-mâché masks for our next Best-Dressed Humanoid of the Month competition.
Authors’ Note: These video logs—or vlogs as the humans called them—were created by a sub-species of human called “YouTube personalities.” For some reason not currently apparent to us, YouTube grew in popularity during the 2010s thanks to vloggers on the dead planet formerly known as Earth. Their videos depicted their day-to-day lives, showing them buying groceries, defecating outside their neighbours’ homes, and pranking other YouTube stars. It should be noted that, while most of the events YouTube stars acted out are heavily scripted and should not be considered honest depictions of human behaviour, these sets of transcribed vlogs are vital to understanding just how far a human would go for fame. We have learned that humans cared deeply about “Likes,” the “Subscribe button,” and lavish displays of wealth. More importantly, however, they are a crucial piece of the puzzle explaining how Earth was ultimately destroyed.
Except from Vlogger TASERB3AM’s transcripts from 2018-03-18
(Shouting) WHAT’S UP GUYS, TASERB3AM HERE AND TODAY YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO WATCH ME BREAK INTO PRISON. Now I know you’ve probably seen people try to break out of prison before, but I’m going to change things up by getting locked up in jail. Some challenge rules we have in place include no bribing police officers—which you guys totally know that I could do since I posted my bank statements on last week’s video—and I need to beat Simon Andrew’s time to be imprisoned in order to win the challenge.
Before looking at the next transcript, it’s important to note that humans who are given two first names are often depicted in human epics as untrustworthy people. Take, for instance, this quote from the Bible—the human’s main source of wisdom for centuries: “Never trust a guy with two first names.”
Vlogger Simon Andrew’s transcripts from 2018-03-19
(Shouting) HOW’RE YOU DOING YOU SEXY SAVAGES? IT’S DAY 48 FOR ME IN PRISON AND I JUST WANTED TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REFLECT ON MY TIME HERE. I know a lot of you may still be a little upset with me for stabbing my roommate the other day, but just know that I did that for (shouting) ALL OF YOU GUYS! Your support makes all of this worth it, and if not for my true fans out there, I would have never done this. Prison has really changed me as a person, and I’m finding out a lot about myself in here. And again. I. Did. This. All. For. You. You guys are the reason I’m in here (laughter) and I’m totally psyched to have been on this journey. Definitely not crying myself to sleep at night and missing my blankie.
Note: When the vlogger said “fans” he did not mean cooling apparatuses that don’t actually cool a human room, instead circulating hot air in hopes of finding cool air hiding within said room. He meant other people who adore him despite his blatant disregard for the wellbeing of others.
Vlogger TASERB3AM’s transcripts from 2018-03-20
(Shouting) WHAT’S UP GUYS, TASERB3AM HERE AND HERE IS MY FIRST VLOG FROM THE BIG HOUSE. I gotta say, people act like prison is like a death sentence or something and I’m just finding it to be like rolling up in my lambo and hitting on some hunnies walking by—not that I’m gay or anything. I’m going to start this video by recording the convo I’m about to have with a girl without her permission and it’s going to be totally hilarious.
(Stern voice from off camera) HOW’D YOU GET THAT CAMERA, INMATE?
(Camera shatters and video blacks out.)
From what we can gather from these transcripts, it appears as if these two vloggers were actually arrested, whereas every other human who partook in the challenge merely used poorly-edited green screens and hired friends to be inmates. These are the only transcripts left from their time in jail.
