No one has left classroom since last Thursday
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
An earth science class has been in session for nearly a week now, as no one has yet stepped forward to hand in a finished test.
“It’s utter and complete madness,” said teacher Anna Ripley, in a statement to the press issued from the door of her classroom. “I’ve seen test-stalls before—you know, when the student who finishes first thinks they’ve finished too quickly, so they don’t hand their work in and it’s awful for everyone—but this has just gone way too far.”
The trouble started on Thursday afternoon after Ripley distributed a low-stakes test covering the first chapter of the textbook. Apparently, the test was only supposed to take 20 minutes.
“It’s now been 143 hours and 17 minutes,” Ripley said. “I just did the calculations and frankly, I’m horrified. They could have written their midterms, finals, and 20-page research papers by now.”
Inside the class, the students have created an odd kind of micro-society, with its own form of law and social hierarchy.
“It’s kind of socialist, kind of anarchist, kind of ‘no one gives a shit,’” said one student, Jimothy John-Jacob. “We’ve been texting friends to toss food and water in through the open window—wait, don’t put that in, though. We’re not allowed to text while taking the test.”
“Yeah, everyone still counts this as test time,” confirmed another student, Nicola Nickels. “At this point it’s all just on principle, and we know that. But the problem is, if someone goes forward now, that’s practically admitting to being the asshole who finished first and kept us all captive for a week out of pure anxiety. Like, we’ve all been there, but come on. I missed a concert last Friday because of this bullshit.”
“The commerce in the classroom centres around a pretty sophisticated barter system,” explained marketing student Cameron Coster-Waldeau. “Basically, if you’re able to get your friends to toss in supplies for you—magically, because none of us are using cellphones, obviously—you have leverage. From there, you take what you need to survive, then anything extra gets passed around for the common good, and for favours and general goodwill points from your fellow classmates. We’re also not allowed to talk to each other, so we’ve all developed a sign language dialect to facilitate the trade. I think we’re doing pretty well, all things considered.”
A student claiming to be the first to finish the test, who has asked not to be named, passed a note to the Other Press reporter on the scene.
“I’m very very sorry. This is all my fault,” the note read. “No one wants to be the first to finish, and I know I finished way too fast. I couldn’t face the shame. Tell my family I love them. Oh wait, you can’t, because you don’t know who I am. Never mind.”