No connection to the bride and groom? No problem!
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Weddings are wonderful! They’re a time for joy, a time for tears, a time for old platitudes and clichés being marched out in front of friends and families like a little Hallmark army. But what if you are neither friend, nor family? What if you are simply an accessory to the person the wedding party actually wanted to witness this significant life event? Never fear! There are still many ways to show your happiness and appreciation for, uh… for good ol’… what’s-his-nuts, and um… does anyone have a program on hand? No? Okay.
Congratulate the happy couple!
It doesn’t matter if they know you from Adam¾which, believe me, they don’t. They have no idea who you are. But don’t let that stop you! Don’t wait for your interlocutor to introduce you. Go right up to them and give them the biggest, warmest hug you can muster. Tell them how happy you are for them, how you always knew they were going to make it, how their relationship has made you believe in love again. Take a selfie with them. Ask them to name a kid after you. Who knows? They might just say yes!
Show your appreciation for the open bar!
Passing up free wine is the wedding equivalent of flipping off the minister and demanding the band to play White Wedding on a loop¾mildly off-putting and socially gauche. Instead, thank the providers of the wine by going full hog on the open bar. Sample all their wares. Pound back $175 wine in your fancy clothes and declare loudly that there’d be no way you could afford this in real life, because you are a poor, starving college student. When the bartender asks you what you want to drink next, simply reply, “Just fuck me up.” It’s the height of etiquette, and a necessary part of the ceremony, especially when it comes to the next part of the evening…
Rip it up on the dance floor!
Are you Beyoncé? Probably not. Can you dance like Beyoncé? Definitely not. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying to do the Single Ladies dance in three-inch heels. It doesn’t matter if you step on the people around you¾if they’ve been following this etiquette guide, they won’t be able to feel anything in their outer extremities due to their own alcohol consumption. Grab the bride for a do-si-do! Try to start a conga line! Ask loudly why the band hasn’t played The Macarena yet! This is all good manners, and set things up perfectly for when you…
Toast the happy couple!
Now that you’re properly lubricated, sweaty, and likely bruised and bleeding a little from your dance floor exuberance, it’s time for your most important show of good etiquette and support: Toasting the newlyweds! It doesn’t matter if you know them or not, they’re like family now. Be sure to say that in your speech: They are your family. You expect to see them at Christmas. You’ll be very hurt if you don’t. And absolutely start your speech with the words, “The dictionary defines love as…” They will appreciate the sentiment and heartfelt originality of the statement.
Bonus action: Wedding cake prank!
Who doesn’t love to laugh a little at their wedding? You can help the couple start off their union with joy, giggles, and memorable photos with a simple prank during the cutting of the cake. Simply sneak up behind them as they stand over the confectionary wonder, and just as the camera goes off, dunk their faces in the cake! Oh, how they’ll laugh and laugh with you, thousand-dollar cake crumbs dripping from their faces and hair onto outfits that cost more than you make in a year. It’s sure to make you a wedding favourite, and guarantee many more invites to accompany people to wedding ceremonies in the future.
Follow these simple etiquette rules, and no matter what happens after the wedding is over, you’ll be remembered as the highlight of the night!