Hollywood plot to indoctrinate children unveiled
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
Last week on Twitter, whistleblowing agency WikiLeaks revealed a terrible and horrifying truth: A cabal of gay celebrities have been conspiring amongst one another through emails, phone calls, and texting to control Western media. On their diabolical agenda were such sinister items as “gain equal rights under the law,” and the “ability to wed based on love.” Surprisingly, famously homosexual actors John Barrowman and Neil Patrick Harris were found to be at the top of this organization. YouTube stars have also been named, most notably Hannah Hart and Tyler Oakley.
The emails included lists of television shows, films, plays, books, and video games slated to have gay, bi, trans, and asexual characters.
“They were talking about using propaganda against our children,” said Internal Affairs Minister Ron Manhandler. “They’ve been infecting our film and theatre with subliminal messages for decades. If you watch closely, even classics like Rocky Horror Picture Show have subtle homosexual undercurrents.”
“As I watched Tim Curry’s bulge move beneath black satin, I could feel my own marriage crumbling,” said Manhandler. “Hollywood used to be so wholesome.”
The evidence against Hollywood and the rest of Western media seems damning, but a few of the celebrities named in the leaks have rejected the allegations. Sir Ian McKellen gave a statement on his Twitter feed yesterday, saying, “Broadway actors have always slept with women and done other distinctively heterosexual things, such as attending church and avoiding drug use. They’re hallmarks of theatre.” The distinguished English actor went on to add, “We all need to look to our patron Oscar Wilde in these dark times of amorality.”
Most agents of actors and writers have refused to comment on the undoubtedly evil schemes for what one email called “basic human dignities” for gay people in the west. The emails have created a new fear and suspicion that gay people may, legally, be considered “people” if allowed by a Supreme Court. This comes at a time when a shocking American election resulted in predominately straight, anti-gay politicians leading the country. Mike Pence, a supporter of gay conversion therapy, said that Americans now have to “be careful of this new menace sweeping Hollywood. Don’t let these monsters take away our right to not see them in public.” Like most supporters of small government, Pence believes in government having a firm presence in every bedroom, bathroom, and household in America.
“People having freedom is a threat to my freedom,” said Pence in an interview about the leak. “I don’t have to know why that’s true for it to be true. Freedom is what America is all about. I mean, just as long as you’re straight, white, and male.”