Where to go when you gotta go
By Craig Allan, Staff Writer
Well, it’s happening. You’re in downtown Vancouver, you’ve just finished a big extra spicy burrito from La Taqueria, and the feeling hits you. You have to take part in society’s greatest equalizer; you need to poop. The problem is your laboratory of business—including your porcelain throne, fancy hand soap, and multiple layered toilet paper—is far away in the suburbs. You won’t make it far; you have to go now. You must find relief in the public toilets. With this helpful guide, you will find the proper toilet to do your business—wherever you are.
First, there may be a thought in your head about finding a bathroom that’s private—one that is a single room with a toilet and sink in it. Don’t hold your breath on this. Those bathrooms are hard to find, and in a lot of cases, in poor condition. They normally appear in food establishments such as McDonald’s and Safeway, and in my experience, such restrooms do not seem to be a high priority for the staff in terms of cleaning. These bathrooms can work in a pinch, but they should only be used in the worst-case scenario. To me, such bathrooms often come off like the bathroom in the Saw series of movies. Dark, disgusting, and low on supplies. Some even put blue lightbulbs in them for some reason. There’s no way these are black lights, because that should light up the entire place by how the bathroom works so why it is blue is an anomaly. Sure, a well-attended to private bathroom can be great—but it is not something to hope for in the city.
When searching for a bathroom, the place to go are the hotels. Hotels often have very fancy bathrooms for public use. Using one of them feels like you are entering the seat of luxury. The walls are marble, and the bathrooms are generally cleaned often. There is one aspect of these bathrooms that’s not so great though, and that’s the privacy. For some reason, bathrooms in hotels often have doors that have see-through blinds. The locks also look like a standard screw in the wall… and if you don’t understand how to use them, it is unfortunately easy for someone to open the door on you.
If these are not an option for you, consider getting creative. There are many places that you may not think have public bathrooms. Some clothing stores like Mark’s Work Warehouse, Best Buy, and Old Navy sometimes have bathrooms for customers. In my experience, these are normally bathrooms that are single-unit facilities. Because n0t a lot of people know that these bathrooms are there, it seems that these restrooms are often very underused. Just don’t count on these though, as in my experience these bathrooms can be hit or miss. This is due to stores either not having them or designating them for customers only. Such bathrooms may not be the cleanest depending on who has used it last, but they may be the best option for the truly private throne you need for all of your games of goings.
Using a public bathroom is never fun, but hopefully this guide will help in the pursuit of the best stall for the devil’s business. Just be glad that Canada is a country that does not charge for public bathrooms like many European nations do. The thought of having to use a bathroom that is not only poor quality but also one you had to pay for is a sad reality that many other nations must face. So, thank you Canada, for letting us poop without taxation!