Protest grows heated due to lack of cyber sharks

‘Come on, it’s 2018!’ states group

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

A group of protesters rallied in front of City Hall declaring that they are tired of waiting for the creation of cyber sharks.

“We’ve been waiting for a long time,” said Dave Erikson, local sea cyborg enthusiast. “We’re tired of putting in all the work and getting nothing back. We want our cyber sharks now.”

Cyber sharks, according to the group, are regular sharks, except they have been fitted with functional robot legs to use while walking on land and also breathing air somehow. The Vancouver group, Seaborgs, was created after the founder, Alex Falder, had a fever dream right after watching Jaws and Terminator back-to-back. Soon after, Falder began spreading the word of his new theory that sharks would be much better off if they were simply given cyber legs and lived on land. For ten years Seaborg has been raising awareness, gathering signatures for petitions, while simultaneously donating to both the Vancouver Aquarium and the UBC science departments in hopes of achieving the dream of having cyber sharks walk amongst us. But, despite their efforts, Seaborgs have seen little to no progress towards achieving their noble goal.

“Even though both the Vancouver Aquarium and the UBC science departments have taken our $24.17, they have yet to produce the legs we have requested, even after we presented a 67-slide Powerpoint explaining, in detail, the ecological, economical, and psychological benefits of cyber sharks,” said Falder. “It’s 2018; we have technologically  progressed so much in just ten short years. We’ve been able to create innovative robot limbs for humans; what about the sharks?”

What about the sharks, indeed. When asked why all sharks have not been given cyber legs yet, local marine biologist, Jane Hennen, asked me why I was wasting her time, and if I knew how to get a wedding ring out of a dolphin’s mouth, as one had stolen hers and refused to give it back.

“Marine biologists are always changing the subject,” said Falder after hearing Hennen’s statements. “That or they’re trying to tell us the dangers of sharks with cyber legs, or how sharks wouldn’t benefit from having the legs at all, since they can only breathe in ‘water.’ But, we know the truth: Even in 2018, people still fear progress. They fear humans being more in tune with nature and, of course, they still fear sharks being given cyber legs. I really hoped we would be further along by now.”

“I don’t know why they’re asking for this; it makes no sense, and it’s simply impossible,” stated UBC tech scientist, Dr. Alex Garden. “There is no way we will ever create such a thing, nor would we ever want to.”

When asked if he knew how to get a wedding ring out of a dolphin’s mouth, Garden slammed the door in this reporter’s face.

“It’s 2018, I can’t believe someone would still have an attitude like that,” said Falder. Despite our requests for an interview, the sharks refused to comment. Falder wasn’t surprised, reminding us that “If we were waiting for cyber legs for ten years with no sign of our needs being fulfilled, we’d become too depressed to speak out as well.”

The Seaborgs organization will be holding their next protest on June 20th to celebrate the 43rd anniversary of the release of Jaws.