Five pieces of clothing that scream, ‘I should’ve worn a winter coat’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
After months of waiting, false spring is finally here! One and a half weeks of sunshine that make you want to throw on your light, unlined jackets paired with your whitest white tennis sneakers. But wait! Winter isn’t truly over. As both my Weather app and my 78-degree thermostat can confirm, the beautiful sunshine rolling across Metro Vancouver is but a front for sub-zero temperatures.
Don’t fret, readers! Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have. Want to project the feeling of spring, even though you called in sick to work because it’s too cold to leave your house? Try these five fashion items that’ll scream, “Damn, I should be wearing an ugly winter jacket!”
Where fashion meets function! A thin plastic raincoat will have you saying “I don’t even need an umbrella” in no time! Don’t let this children’s-head-sized hood fool you, your hair will be sopping wet if there’s even a chance of a slight drizzle. As an added bonus, the paper-thin, plastic-wrap-like texture of the jacket means it provides absolutely no insulation. A must-have for anyone who thrives on being uncomfortable!
Canvas shoes with no socks
Nothing like almost-bare foot slapping against icy pavement! While the scant two inches of exposed ankle seemed like nothing when standing in the warmth of your own home, the frigid air of January seems as cutting as your hydro bill. Instead of wearing a thick boot and sock combo, you’ve braved the outdoors in glorified house slippers. Well done!
The long, airy kimono sleeves will surely cocoon you and keep you warm, right? Wrong! It’s a scientific fact that all kimono jackets are made of spun sugar and dust motes. Go ahead and layer two turtlenecks and a thick cardigan underneath—you’ll still end up like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Sexy!
Big scarf and nothing else
No, I don’t mean fully nude—although that itself seems like a cold weather faux pas. Even though it’s cold enough to freeze your damp hair into one big hair popsicle, throwing a big scarf over a tank top should keep you warm, right? Note: This definitely applies to Aritzia blanket scarves, which I hope to be buried in one day.
Skirt with no tights
All jokes aside, this is borderline criminal and anybody caught on the street without tights from the months of January to March should be fined. I’m not emotionally prepared to see bare leg until at least April, and it seems borderline obscene to see any knees before Good Friday. Wrap ’em up, people!