By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
On January 3, a great Eye—lidless and terrible—took up residence above the spire at the top of the Surrey Central building, alarming city bylaw officers. The official police report states that Sauron, called “Gorthaur” by the Elves and an “unregistered immigrant” by the RCMP, appeared on the top of the tower in a torrent of black flame and cursed smog, accompanied by screaming Nazgûl—without the proper permits for such creatures.
“He just showed up one night, no paperwork and no consultation with the building,” said Officer Christopher Williams of the Surrey RCMP. “The roof isn’t up to code for habitation, incorporeal spirit of malice or not. This isn’t a racial thing—any fell servant of Morgoth is welcome in the city if they follow the rules. Gothmog, Lord of Balrogs, inhabits the Coast Capital building outside King George Station and manages a very successful A&W.”
Sauron’s appearance has led to discontent among many renters and landowners around the Surrey Central area.
“We’re just worried about property values,” said concerned citizen Jonathan Roland-Reed. “The housing crisis is at a boiling point, and the last thing we need is this ‘Dark Lord’ summoning Orcs from the lowlands to burn and pillage high-rises.”
Jonathon Roland-Reed was one of hundreds of local citizens who signed an online petition for immediate police action against Sauron. A similar, but unassociated, petition was created to rename Trump Tower in Vancouver “Isengard.”
There has so far been little official response, though mayors of cities and towns across the Lower Mainland publicly accepted gifts of golden rings from Sauron, believing them to be an attempt at government outreach. On the 8th of January, Surrey mayor Linda Hepner, riding atop what witnesses called “a foul flying beast of grey and rotting flesh,” told the press that calling these gifts a “clear indication of bribery” was both inaccurate and insulting. She also unexpectedly announced plans to “aggressively expand” into both the city and township of Langley with raiding parties riding the Light Rail Transit planned for 2018.
Sauron has so far refused all requests for an interview, and ignored an eviction notice taped to the ladder leading to the roof. SFU Surrey has stated they will “continue to tolerate the evil presence of pure hatred and spite currently residing at the top of the tower,” as he is technically a student and currently owes over $12,000 in tuition fees.