‘I generally try to work from the outside in’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
“I’ve put together more than 500 puzzles in my lifetime,” said Jeremy Caldwell, 26.
More than just a hobby, the self-styled “Puzzle Master” competes in national puzzle-solving competitions where puzzlists from around the world compete for the fastest times.
“I look at puzzles as my full-time job. There are hundreds of us out there and I’m kind of a celebrity in the community,” said Caldwell. “I love going to puzzle events all over the world. You’ve never been in a room with so much competitive drive, and everyone really goes all out. We’ve gotten into some pretty stern arguments—real tense stuff.”
“Jeremy has done it all, from monuments like the Eiffel Tower, to the smallest raindrop on a leaf,” Caldwell’s mother Bonnie, 58, said at a press conference last Wednesday. “For Mother’s Day he gave me the most fantastic 3D flower bouquet, all made out of puzzle pieces. I still have it preserved in the foyer.”
Despite the varying intricacies of the puzzles Caldwell has worked on, he is seemingly unable to locate his girlfriend’s clitoris.
Reporters spoke to Vanessa Lambert, head of the Department of Psychology and Anatomy at UBC.
“The glans clitoris is what people usually mean when they refer to the clitoris,” said Lambert. “It’s external and located above the urethra. Not too hard to find.”
“I’ve tried to find it before,” Caldwell said to Other Press reporters, looking intently at the box of a 7000-piece puzzle of the Scottish countryside. “It just kind of eluded me. There was a lot going on down there, so I couldn’t really find it. I doubt anyone can.”
“Part of the clitoris is not visible when looking at the vulva,” said Lambert. “But that shouldn’t matter at all. This guy is 26 years old. I don’t know how he’s made it this far, sexually speaking.”
Besides puzzles, Caldwell has a bevy of hobbies ranging from sleight-of-hand, pickpocketing, baton-twirling, and rock climbing.
“All of these things focus on dexterity, nimbleness, and adaptability,” said Caldwell. “But I don’t know, guys. That’s nothing compared to the unending mystery that is the female anatomy.”
“Jeremy is very focused on his craft,” said Caldwell’s girlfriend Jenny Moscowitz, 26. “He says that puzzle-building is his one true calling. Last Christmas he gave me a puzzle of me doing the puzzle he gave me the Christmas before. I wish he’d stop getting me puzzles and give me some nice jewellery instead. Or an orgasm.”
What’s next for Jeremy Caldwell?
“I’ll be heading to Japan for a couple of competitions,” Caldwell said, working on a clump of sheep near the edge of the puzzle. “Then I’ll be doing some store openings and talk shows. After that, I’d like to just lie low, see some family, and disappoint my girlfriend sexually.”
