Red, white, yellow, and green. Chopped and sautéed. In fried onion ring form, chip, and Funyuns. I hate them all! I hate the taste, the texture, the flavour they add to the food.
I hate all onions!
By Craig Allan, Business Manager
A couple of years ago I let out what I believe to be my biggest food hot take: poutine without gravy, or replaced with a cheese sauce is still poutine, and in fact is even better poutine. I have expressed this before and have been attacked for it, saying that this stance is sacrilegious and even anti-Canadian. I still hold this take and stand by it strongly, but I have another food hot take that may insight displeasure. My hatred for this other food though is stronger, and unlike the poutine where I am just substituting one thing for another, this food is one that no matter what or how it is done, I hate it every way. This is a food that needs to be stricken from the Earth. The food I speak of is the dreaded, the horrible onion!
I saw a video where someone pranked a person by giving them a candy apple that was actually an onion covered in caramel. For someone to not only drench a disgusting onion in sweet, delicious caramel but also give it to someone as a prank is a crime against humanity!
When I say I hate onions, I mean that I hate all onions. Red, white, yellow, and green. Chopped and sautéed. In fried onion ring form, chip, and Funyuns. I hate them all! I hate the taste, the texture, the flavour they add to the food. I hate them in all forms.
The problem with hating onions is that it seems like there is no way to get around them. Onions are everywhere. I feel like they are on every burger, in every salsa, in so many soups. Even at a place like Chronic Tacos where I think I can get away from the onion menace, I can’t stand to eat either the ground beef or the steak, as both have onions in them. No other vegetables, just onions. They are inescapable! I always said that if I ever opened my own restaurant, I would call it ‘No Onions’ so that people know what they were walking into. I’m sure that would illicit people bringing in onions or throwing onions at the store to annoy me, but I would still stand by the name.
To me, onions are not just terrible. They are a crime against the world. The 2003 Shia LaBeouf movie Holes is horrible because, by the end of that movie, the thing that saves the father’s business is figuring out that onions cure bad smells. The villains win in that movie! And by villains, I mean the onions, not the actual villains played by the great Sigourney Weaver and Jon Voight.
I hope that one day we can rid ourselves of this cursed weed, or at least stop putting it in everything. It’s time we stop the tears and the sour tastes and send the onion back where it belongs. The compost bin!