Records show 2019 passing faster than any other year

Can’t believe it’s 2020 already!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Studies show that every single person in Metro Vancouver, regardless of class, race, and age, has uttered the phrase “I can’t believe it’s March already!” in the past week.

Are you one of the thousands of citizens who feels that 2019 is passing by in the blink of an eye?

Other Press reporters spoke to renowned physicist Meredith Young about the strange phenomenon that is seemingly altering both time and space.

“It just so happens that time is speeding up at a slow but steady pace,” Young explained. “It might not be noticeable at first, but it’s definitely there. That’s why many people might be thinking about beach bonfires while they’re lacing up their snow boots, or having visions of sugar plums while eating Easter chocolate.”

Many people were shocked when, apropos of nothing, the calendar abruptly shifted from February to March.

“It just came out of nowhere,” said India Hemming, schoolteacher. “It really took me by surprise. I’ve been writing January 28 on the board for the last four weeks and nobody’s said anything yet. Do you think we can petition the government for a couple of spare weeks?”

“I still kind of think it’s 2018,” citizen Lawrence Rosenberg told press. “I’ve had to do the weird ‘switch-8-to-9’ thing on a bunch of cheques, and it looks crummy.”

“Coming into 2019, I was two months pregnant,” Julie Hoffman, expectant mother, said to the Other Press. “But my doctor said that because 2019 is moving so quickly, I should be due any minute. I think I actually might be going into labour as we speak!”

Think that March is moving fast? Young said people should really prepare to hold onto their hats in preparation for the summer of 2019.

“People think that the summer season lasts around three months,” Young explained. “But what they don’t know is that the summer actually accelerates time and space, making summer seem about three weeks long. That’s why humans are able to make so many summer plans that never really come to fruition, and why summer clothing is so cheaply made—the clothes are only really supposed to last a week and a half.”

But why does this seem to happen every single summer?

“Scientists aren’t really sure, but they suspect it has something to do with the sun,” Young said. “That’s why the Christmas holidays last approximately eight years and January is the length of three regular months.”

To avoid being caught even further off-guard, Young recommended getting a head start on the inevitably approaching seasons.

“Because we’re flying through March at an alarming rate, people should start planning for Thanksgiving soon,” Young said. “It’ll be August in about three weeks’ time, so thinking about New Year’s plans should be on people’s minds as well. And it wouldn’t hurt to think about the 2026 Olympics, while we’re at it.”