Wrap them up to help wrap it up
By Dylan Hackett, News Editor
There’s a vulgar irony in that the etymological origins for “vagina” come from the Latin term for sheath, or home base for a sword. The mounting evidence leads us to believe that actual, non-physiological sheaths improve the overall human sexual experience.
Condoms are long established as the most accessible and efficient form of birth control, and while reducing the sensations enjoyed by the glans, they are to be thanked for hundreds of millions of non-itchy genitalia, non-pregnancies, and intact immune systems. This sheath fits in your pocket and its recognition and relevance to sex is near-universal. The other sheaths with relatively newfound relevance in the bedroom are, like condoms, best purchased in bulk at Costco—the sock.
I don’t mean that in the way a sock acts as an easy clean-up for a horny and lazy 14-year-old boy. Research presented in 2005 at the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology’s Copenhagen summit (probably just a front for an incredible orgy) found a greater likelihood of orgasm occurred in intercourse when socks were worn. The rate for those consummating barefoot was a paltry 50 per cent— probably having to do with the audience of creepy Dutch sexologist watching the shagging participants.
The female orgasm is brought on with a 30 per cent greater likelihood if said female’s toes and heels are sheathed in a tube of cotton and spandex. Allegedly, this come-rate augmentation applies for men as well but I would advise against leaving them on, guys. Unless you wear those traction socks, which I’m sure no sexually-active male does, socks can throw off the necessary traction required to maintain good doggy-style posture. A sudden bail can cause bruising and bending of important equipment. Be especially careful if socked on high thread-count sheets–they’re slippery. The likelihood of leaving with a twisted penis increases.
Thankfully, with condoms, we don’t have to be as tactical. All that’s necessary is a quick draw hand for unwrapping (don’t go George Costanza and attack it like a bag of chips) and an investment in some supplementary lube.
But be advised: avoid any hot/cold or icy hot lubricants. For one, you’ll look like a victim of marketing targeted to Axe body spray-using demographics. Temperature duality is a feature best left to chewing gum and those knee braces that Shaq used to advertise—not slathered on your genitals. Note to marketers: lubricants should not mimic the phases of menopause. Secondly, Trojan hot/cold condoms smell like Doritos and make your nethers feel as if they are dipped in kerosene and hung in a meat locker.
In most circumstances, condoms and socks do not belong on the same plane of respect. Wicking sweat is of far less importance than birth control, but they can have inclusive and even complementary roles. Why not give it a try? While I understand this relayed advice may alienate foot fetishists, I think a conscious effort into letting those sweat-stained Hanes in-between your sheets may be worthwhile.