Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’ Roll have broken up

Image by Tom Mitchell
Image by Tom Mitchell

A nearly 70-year polyamorous relationship has come to an end

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Pop culture fans around the globe were heartbroken to hear that the famous trio—Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’ Roll—have officially ended their three-way relationship.

“I know this is going to be hard for many to hear,” said Rock n’ Roll in a statement on Monday night. “So many people have been invested in our love life, writing songs, stories, fanfiction… The support over the years has been overwhelming, but ultimately it wasn’t enough to keep the fire going when the love was gone.”

Many have speculated on the longevity of the triad’s relationship over the past few years, as they’ve made fewer and fewer public appearances together. Conflicts within the group have been well publicized, especially between Drugs and the other two members.

“Please, everyone’s love affair with Drugs had almost completely fizzled out by the mid-nineties,” said Sex, in a candid phone interview with the Other Press. “I mean sure, Drugs is still popular or whatever, but we all know they’re the bottom of the barrel. They’re emotionally and physically abusive, never honest, and, quite frankly, terrible in bed. Rock n’ Roll and I were so over them decades ago, but you know, when you’re in a committed relationship for so long, it’s hard to think about leaving.”

“I honestly thought I needed Drugs… I think we both did, Sex and I,” said Rock n’ Roll in their Monday missive. “The relationship was so intense at first, like—we all worked so great together, you know? But eventually Drugs just got to be way too much, and I think it really hurt my relationship with Sex overall.”

“Rock n’ Roll? Yeah, they’re okay,” said Sex. “I mean, I don’t know, they can be pretty loud and obnoxious, and they’ve gone through some pretty interesting phases. They were really daring and adventurous when I first met them, but they’ve been trying to reinvent themselves every few years and it just gets really tiring to keep up with. I go to bed one night with ‘Grunge Rock,’ wake up with ‘Punk Rock,’ then that night I’m out with ‘Alternative Rock,’ whatever that means. I need a little more consistency in my life, you know? I don’t want to limit myself, but I’d like to settle down a little bit. I guess I just miss that ol’ fashion Rock n’ Roll.”

Fans have taken to social media to express their grief over the split.

“I told my parents I couldn’t be a choir boy because I was in love with Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’ Roll,” tweeted one distraught groupie. “I based my life around them. I’ve never felt more betrayed.”

“I blame millennials,” said an anonymous Facebook commenter. “I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s probably their fault.”

The Other Press tried to contact Drugs for a comment, but it’s been reported that they are currently on “one hell of a bender” and won’t be available to talk anytime soon.