‘What the fuck even happened?’
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Cold, hard reality hit the entire world like a sledgehammer from God the morning of January 1, in what has been called the “Great Sobering-Up” of the New Year.
“What even happened last year?” asked many, as they rose groggily from their beds and scrolled through their phones, seeing pictures they didn’t remember taking and messages they didn’t remember sending.
“Oh fuck, did we leave the EU?” tweeted the UK in the early hours of 2017. “I don’t remember doing that. I got slammed on Belgian craft beer. Oh my God, we’re so fucked.”
Other countries began reporting in on their own unpleasant new year discoveries: unexpected bumps, bruises, catastrophes, and embarrassing mistakes. America recorded its own mental breakdown on Instagram January 2.
“It’s like I was a completely different person last year,” America said. “Like I became some kind of… wild, radical asshole. I’m not that person, that’s not what I stand for. I would never let an orange racist demagogue take power. My mom raised me better than this.”
America then promptly fell over onto its side, asked for a gallon of orange juice, and started weeping softly.
The Other Press consulted local physician Doctor Jaeger for more information regarding the world’s condition.
“It’s your classic New Year’s hangover,” said Doctor Jaeger, who looked a little grey-faced herself. “I mean, everyone partied it up to an extreme in 2016, didn’t we? Mistakes were made, lessons were… taught, maybe not entirely learned. Now we’ve all just got to face up to the consequences. It’s just unfortunate that these consequences could potentially lead to a third world war.”
Canada fared a little better than certain global counterparts, though it didn’t get through the year unscathed.
“I got set on fire a few times,” Canada admitted, as it nibbled on a bowl of dry Cheerios. “And I’ve got a bit of a headache. I think this bruise on my knee is actually America’s fault. It kind of smacked around a lot of other countries during its weird drunken rampage. Honestly, I think it’s the vodka. Russia kept handing it shot after shot, martini after martini… Seriously, they’re a horrible influence. I really don’t think America would have done some of the shit it did if it weren’t for Russia. Like, they probably would have done a lot of it. But Russia didn’t help, is what I’m saying.”
(Russia was not available for comment.)
“I get it, I was the shitbag of the party,” America said in a statement this past weekend. “The more I find out about what actually happened… I’m sorry, okay? I caused property damage, I lost all my money, I lost a lot of good friends because I was being such a douche. I don’t know how to make up for this, but I want to… oh God, one sec.”
America is reported to still be doubled over a back-alley dumpster, vomiting up the remains of 2016’s wild ride.