Small names, big sales

Iron galaxy studios announces new IP

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Today, Iron Galaxy Studios spokesperson Howe Dewey Cheatem announced the game developer’s latest project—a tournament fighter entitled Warrior Obscurus. The game’s primary selling point is its unique character roster, painstakingly compiled from a list of nostalgic fan favorites like Bubsy the Bobcat, Gex the Gecko, Earthworm Jim, and the spaceship from Galaga.

“You wouldn’t believe the legal wrangling we had to go through to get the licenses to some of these characters,” said Cheatem. “We never thought Atari would fight that hard to hold onto Q*bert.” Despite the massive cost of acquiring these characters, Cheatem remains confident that IG’s target demographic will generate a profit. “We’ve already got DLC planned for Professor Layton and Cooking Mama. We’ve got the casual gaming market cornered!”

Despite the sure appeal of such iconic faces, early testers claim that Iron Galaxy doesn’t have the experience to make their own fighting game. “Nonsense!” Cheatem replied. “We’ve got lots of experience. We made Divekick for God’s sake! Half the games we’ve worked on are fighting games.” When detractors pointed out that most of those games were remakes like Darkstalkers Resurrection and Street Fighter III: 3rd Strike Online Edition, Cheatem insisted that Iron Galaxy’s sterling work on the PC port of Batman: Arkham Knight should speak for itself.

Amid the sudden flurry of raw tomatoes from the crowd, Cheatem remained diplomatic. “Here at Iron Galaxy Studios, we love tournament fighters. In fact, the only thing we love more is turning those games into massive revenue projects. That’s why we got in on Double Helix’s Killer Instinct project. I mean, charging gamers for each individual character and then releasing them all in a retail collection for full price? You can’t beat that idea.”

Concluding the briefest advertising phase of any product in history, Warrior Obscurus will be available on Steam (and nowhere else) next week, starting at a reasonable $79.99 for the beginner’s pack and $29.99 for each additional character. Cheatem was non-committal about a possible retail release. “If the Steam version does well, we’ll consider it.”