Study shows household appliances become infinitely louder in the middle of the night

Photo illustration by Ed Appleby
Photo illustration by Ed Appleby

Microwaves prove to be the worst culprits

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

A study out of Insert Funny Acronym Institute of Useless Information (IFAIUA) has proven what many have known to be true since the dawn of technology: Household appliances are much louder at night than they are during the day.

“One example of this would be toilets,” said Dr. Jillian McMillian. “Like, have you ever tried to use the washroom at night? Especially when you have family members or roommates who are light sleepers? Shit gets loud, yo.”

The study, which measured noises produced by appliances both during the day and at night, showed that many appliances become up to 15 decibels louder in a quiet, nighttime atmosphere.

“And it’s not just the time of night that affects the sound output, either,” said Dr. McMillian. “If there are light sleepers within earshot, it gets louder. If you’re actively trying to be quiet, ho boy, you’re looking at an exponential increase in noise output. One guy nearly went deaf after we put a microwave in the apartment after telling him that his insomniac girlfriend would make him sleep on the couch for a week if he woke her up. It’s fascinating, really.”

It’s not clear from the study what causes the sound levels to rise, though there are theories.

“I mean, ambient noise throughout the day kind of cushions sound, right?” said Dr. McMillian. “So maybe it kind of absorbs all that excess noise, and you’re less likely to notice it. That would be the practical, scientific explanation.”

The unscientific explanation?

“Household appliances are vengeful, sentient machines out to get us, and they draw energy from the suffering of their human overlords,” said Dr. McMillian, with a short nod. “That’s my favourite theory, to be honest. It would also explain a lot of other stuff, like why things stop working right when you need them most. Besides, if it’s a matter of sentient machines, it means we could try bargaining with them to stop them from doing this to us. We’ve got to ask ourselves what our appliances want from us. To be cleaned more often? To be thanked for what they do? Maybe a nice box of chocolates every once in a while? I like scientific theories with practical solutions.”

In the meantime, it seems as though there is nothing the average person can do to keep household appliances from being horrifically loud at night, much to the disappointment of many people who keep late hours and do not live alone.

“I mean, you could buy your microwave flowers,” continued Dr. McMillian. “Provided microwaves like flowers. Do you think microwaves like flowers? I feel like I might be getting a little off-topic here.”