You can do it! Definitely! I swear!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Sorry about last week, readers! I was feeling some kinda way. I hope I can make up for it this week when I look up to your stars to see your startlingly positive horoscopes! Only nice things, I swear! Friends again? Please?!
You go, Aries! We’re heading straight into your season, so you’re gonna be all revved up for that thing you’re gearing up to do. And it’s going to be GREAT. Would I lie to you?!
Things are really coming up Taurus! Everything is going to go your way. Remember that daunting task that you’ve been dreading? Don’t worry, because it’s going to completely dissipate by midweek. It’s going to be easy and breezy from here on out.
The best things are yet to come, Gemini! You’re going to get a burst of good news by the end of the week. Until then, try and keep your head above water by surrounding yourself with positive influences.
Though you’ll have a bit of a stumble in the beginning of the week, don’t let yourself fall! Things will keep moving with momentum until you won’t even remember what got you down in the first place. Remember to be kind to yourself!
Big moves are coming your way! Your energy makes it feel like anything is possible. Keep working towards your goals—they’re all within your grasp!
To combat any blues, surround yourself with your best and brightest to boost your spirits! Your friends love your company, so take advantage of any spare time they may have to chill with them as much as possible.
Yeah, yeah. Good stuff is in your future, et cetera, et cetera. Everything is going to be great and you’ll have the “Best Week of Your Life” like, ever. You get the point.
It’s hard being positive! I know, people think I’m “too mean” and sometimes I can be a “huge bitch.” But what people don’t understand is I’m just trying to keep it real. And in today’s society, I think that really means something. Don’t you?
So maybe I’m a little critical of others. So what? Don’t you think people deserve to know what I think? Is my voice any less valid just because I don’t package it in a more palatable way? Don’t you think that’s a little reductive?
So you’re saying people don’t want to hear critiques when they look for their horoscope? So I have to keep giving them little blips of self-esteem to make them feel better every week? Why do I have to fill that void for them?!
Yeah, I signed a work contract. But it’s not, like, binding or anything. What—it is binding? Why would anyone let me sign a contract?! Well, what I am I supposed to do now?
Everything is great and you are very sexy and fun! Everything is going to be just dandy for you this week. Take this time to really feel good and wholesome and as attractive as you want (or don’t want! Your choice!) to be. You are amazing and beautiful and everybody loves you, even ME!