Breaking News: Periods proven to be one of the worst things on the planet

Image via Thinkstock
Image via Thinkstock

‘Like honestly the absolute worst,’ say many victims

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Victims from around the world are reporting in to confirm that yes, in fact, “that time of the month” can go directly to Hell and never return, because it is the worst.

“Like, imagine the worst thing you can think of,” said Dr. Clint Oris, in a statement to the Other Press last week. “Something physically painful, and messy, probably a little gross. Then imagine going through it once a month for 40 years or so. Why are humans built like this?”

Periods, for those who don’t have them, involve the shedding of uterine lining, causing small, birth-like contractions within the uterus that hurt like a son of a bitch. Then, while bleeding on all the things you love, this stupid, human-specific fuckery of nature causes sufferers to undergo flu-like symptoms such as fever, nausea, chills, and full-body aching.

“It can also fuck with your emotions,” said one period-sufferer, Dolores Howe. “Which makes non-period havers say stupid things like ‘Oh, how can we trust women in public office if they might set off a nuke once a month?’ Yeah, okay Gary, how many women have set off nukes in the past century compared to men? The answer is none. What, was Truman on his rag in 1945? Goddamn.”

Many period-havers agree that the worst thing about periods is not necessarily the period itself, but people’s reactions to periods.

“Listen, there is only one good response to hearing someone say, ‘I’m on my period,’” said fellow period-sufferer Charlie Fairweather. “That response is to load up on chocolate, salt and vinegar chips, and ice cream, and to bring the person suffering a period lots of blankets and green tea. If you start saying shit like ‘Oh, it can’t be that bad’ or ‘Getting kicked in the balls hurts way worse,’ you suck, and someone’s probably going to punch you in the dick.”

There are those who say that their period cramps are much less severe and can be managed by eating well and exercising. These people are overachievers, and live in a very different universe than most humans do.

“They can be admired from a distance, but clearly their experiences differ from the average uterus-owner,” said Fairweather, shaking their head. “You’re not gonna catch me jogging and doing push-ups on my period, that’s for sure. Curling up in the fetal position and crying softly, that’s much more likely.”

Though over half the planet is likely to suffer from them once a month, the dreaded menstrual cycle is unlikely to go away anytime soon.