Stylish trendsetter has a woven straw bag as well
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Bystanders were shocked last Wednesday when local summer woman Melissa Cathrall had the audacity to wear a straw summer hat like she was somebody special.
“Who does she think she is?” bystander Georgina Richards asked press.
Cathrall’s crimes against humanity didn’t stop there. While entering a coffee shop, both patrons and staff said she kept the hat on while ordering and consuming her beverage.
“It was a cold brew,” barista Anthony Williams said in an interview with the Other Press. “A nitro cold brew, and she asked for oat milk. Nitro cold brew doesn’t need any milk at all. It’s already creamy enough.”
Onlookers watched as Cathrall drank her cold brew in full view of everybody, pausing at random intervals to laugh at a comedy podcast she was listening to.
“What podcast was it? We don’t know. We’ll never know. It was disgusting,” Williams said. “She only tipped 50 cents, as well.”
Other Press reporters brought in SFU sociologist Peter Linney to speculate.
“Judging by her annoying attire and highlighted hair, we can speculate she was listening to a true crime podcast where various human atrocities are relayed in a fun, sarcastic manner,” Linney said. “She can laugh at these kinds of things because she works in either the Saje or Lululemon head office, and the worst thing that has ever happened to her was having to wear orthodontic headgear in the ninth grade.”
When asked about his research methods, Linney said, “I just looked at her annoying riverboat Mark Twain hat and her straw mules. Who even wears straw mules? They’re barely a shoe at all!”
A small crowd followed Cathrall as she waltzed down the street to a local craft store, where she bought a teeny-tiny plant and a bottle of sea salt hair spray for $80.
Reporters spoke to salesperson Harriet Mueller, who sold Cathrall the items.
“When I was ringing her through, she asked if I would be able to ‘get out in the sun today’ at all. When I said I was working from 1 to 9, she actually shed a single tear at the fact that I ‘wouldn’t be able to experience this lovely day.’ It was disgusting. She smelled great, though.”
Witness reports said that Cathrall continued on her promenade, stopping at various bushes to smell flowers and exclaiming to nobody about their beautiful scent. From there, she wandered to a dog park to lovingly stroke the fuzzy heads of puppies.
“This woman comes by at least three times a day,” dog owner Jeffery Friess said in an interview. “Doesn’t she have, like, a job or something? And what’s up with that dumb hat?”
After visiting the dog park, eyewitness accounts said Cathrall floated up into the sky, where she morphed into a ray of light and was absorbed into the sun with a burst of glee-filled laughter.
“Good riddance,” said Friess. “I hope I don’t see her again until winter, when she transforms into Big Wool Hot Cider Christmas Woman.”