Neighbours ‘in awe’ of removed muffler, loud bass setup
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
Cody “Big C” David, a 23-year-old from Surrey, BC, was pulled over last Saturday and awarded the international “Most Masculine Man Alive” award after speeding in his massive black truck down a suburban road at 3 a.m. His truck, a large black Ford with high-beam roof lights, a Confederate flag sticker, removed muffler, and a massive pair of truck nuts, was chosen by judges for its extreme display of manliness and testosterone.
Big C told reporters, “I was just driving ‘round town, throwing water at McDonalds drive-through employees for my prank channel, when I decided to go see my old high school.”
He had his glass-shatteringly low bass playing and was revving his engine over and over when a man approached him with the trophy.
“This is the ultimate proof that I am the most alpha man alive, and not at all filled with horrifying insecurities like my exes have said,” stated Big C.
Big C’s neighbours were the ones who contacted the awards organization.
“My wife and I were walking in the park when we heard Big C yelling at high school girls as he drove past,” neighbour Kaley Shorthalt told reporters. “It was such an alpha move that my wife instantly turned straight and left me on the spot.”
Big C’s friends, Mac Daddy and Chad, crushed beer cans against their heads and threw them at passing cars in honour of the accomplishment.
The “Most Masculine Man Alive” award is annually given out to people who make aggressive power moves towards everyone around them.
“I just want people to know that I don’t care what they think,” said Cody. “People bitch about my music, my flag, and my giant green Monster sticker, but I’m just expressing myself. I am who I am. If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Work hard play hard. A lion doesn’t concern himself with the thought of sheep…”
The Other Press cut the interview short when we realized he was quoting inspirational Instagram posts and couldn’t, or simply wouldn’t, stop.
The penis-shaped trophy now sits in Cody’s bedroom, on proud display in a way that is “very cool, but extremely straight.”