Surviving Christmas archetypes

Remember: the holidays are just like the movies

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

“If TV has taught me anything, it’s that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it’s gonna happen to us.” – Bart Simpson

Bart Simpson’s words on Christmas have never seemed more reaching (or more farfetched) than to young adults and college students. As many of us approach the holiday season, we despair of hope for miracles and instead begin to develop a method of coping.

Some of us embrace the season as early as possible and spend hours spreading every last bit of tinsel. Others are ready to rip the head off anyone who so much mentions the word “jolly.” Then there are those who just want to survive another awkward dinner with the in-laws. Indeed, almost every individual’s Christmas situation can be found in a Christmas movie plot somewhere.

There’s always the one guy who just doesn’t seem to want to celebrate. He doesn’t come to the ugly sweater parties, never says “Merry Christmas” back to you, and balks at the idea of the work gift exchange. Instead of leaving him alone and perhaps making faces behind his back, there’s always someone else as desperate to make him see the light as he is to avoid it. Who does all that wasted effort benefit? It’s just like How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

On the other end of the scale is the person who took way too much when they handed out holiday spirit. As soon as November is on the calendar, they start wearing that stupid Santa hat around. They’re the ones who want to organize a party where everyone has to buy a stupid sweater that they’re only going to wear once a year. They hang mistletoe in the hallways so it’s even more awkward when you pass your secret friend with benefits on the way to lunch. Still, their heart is in the right place, and they embody all the charm of Will Ferrell as Buddy from Elf.

For some, Christmas is about surviving your crazy family. Whether it’s your little cousin smearing his food on everything he can reach, a married couple fighting about an awkward present, or a family pet chewing up the turkey, the holidays make you want to take your gun out back and shoot something out… maybe even your own eye! It’s a wonderful life? No, it isn’t. It’s A Christmas Story.

When all else fails, there’s always the option of being forgotten by your family during the holidays. When the pressure of buying gifts, seeing annoying relatives, and hanging decorations just gets to be too much, it’s time to spend Christmas the proper way by eating cereal in your underwear and watching a gangster movie. Your relatives may complain, but sometimes the holiday season is better spent being Home Alone.