The greatest movie Hollywood has ever made


We’re serious this time

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Forget the last movie you saw. It was garbage. Throw a few super heroes together, so what? Think bigger. Think bolder.

Marvel has just released a statement to the press explaining their next step in movie integration.

The Avengers was a good starting-off point,” said Marvel spokesperson Ian Buntly, “but it was only the first step. We saw what people wanted, and that was diversity: a whole bunch of heroes defeating a whole bunch of enemies. And that’s just what we’re going to give them.”

When asked if he was referring to the much-anticipated Civil War, or even the larger scale Infinity War, Buntly only laughed: “That’s just another stone in the pond for us. Sure the Guardians of the Galaxy will join up with the Avengers, and we’ll even get Ant Man in there at some point, but why limit ourselves to super heroes and aliens? Why even limit ourselves to one universe?”

After a few minutes of maniacal laughter, Buntly explained where the world of large-scale movie production was headed.

“We simply call it The Movie. It will begin shortly after the Infinity War, which is when we will finally have all the Avengers assembled, if you will. Then some sciency-space-time-thingy or whatever will happen, tearing a hole in the Marvel universe and integrating it will all others.”

“Just think of the possibilities. Batman will join up with Frodo to take on Godzilla, meanwhile Curious George and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tackle that giant ghost thing from Ghostbusters. It will be a thing of beauty.”

The Movie is planned to be a trilogy of three trilogies. Each of the separate films will have a running time somewhere between the lengths of Avatar and Return of the King.

“The entire project will probably come to an end in the late 2090s,” Buntly said. “It’s okay if our actors die, because most of the audience who knew that character to be played by that actor will probably be dead as well. This movie will span generations.”

Depending on how it does in the box office, Buntly has optimistic hopes for where this trilogy will go.

“Who knows, as long as it keeps making money, I don’t see any reason why we should ever stop making these movies. Just look at the Avengers: Buncha heroes beating up a buncha bad guys. That’s all people want to see, and they will just keep paying to see it.”