A modern fairy tale
By Brittney MacDonald, Staff Writer
Once upon a time, in a faraway land known as Vancouver, there was a prince who just happened to be wandering when he overheard two peasant city workers discuss the recent disappearance of their princess. Despite knowing nothing about the woman, he hopped on his gender-ambiguous steed and rode off to rescue her—for like any disappearing princess, she had obviously been kidnapped.
After searching two mall food courts and the better Starbucks on Robson Street that doesn’t cheap out and add too much ice to your Frappuccino, he finally asked somebody if they’d seen her. Given that he had no idea what she looked like or how old she was, this led to a hefty Facebook-stalking session, where he was happy to find she was a total babe between the age of 16 and 35.
Armed with a blurry selfie of her in the palace bathroom, he soon discovered that she had been captured by an evil witch.
“Tally-ho!” he shouted, brandishing his blade to the sky before racing off to rescue his beloved—because in the span of three hours he had decided he loved her and they should be married and have 2.5 children and a Dalmatian named Benedict, after the eggs benedict he planned to get at Denny’s tomorrow morning on their first official date.
Stanley Park was dark and filled with strange homeless people that nobody wanted to talk to by the time the prince arrived. He avoided eye contact and kept riding till he came to a quaint little restaurant, which was far too overpriced for the mediocre food it served. But still people ate there, because spending too much on dinner made them feel important—also cheapskates never get second dates.
The prince dismounted, a scowl upon his lips as he pushed past the door only to find the evil witch sucking the soul from his beloved!
“Stop witch! Release Princess… uh Princess—“
The witch turned from the princess, cocking a brow at the prince as a scowl stained her features.
“Dear lord, man! Do you not even know her name?” the witch asked, patting the princess gingerly on the shoulder. “It’s Courtney…”
“Yes! Princess Courtney, my one true love, I have come to rescue you!” the prince exclaimed, pining eyes going to the fair maiden.
“Excuse me? Do I know you?” Courtney asked, her gaze narrowing on her future husband as if trying to recognize him from the deep recesses of her memory.
“You’ve never had the pleasure, but I am Prince—“
“Does this happen a lot?” the witch interrupted, turning to the princess with a sigh.
“Too often, I once went out for a bagel and some guy turned up right as I was about to pay, and challenged the cashier to a duel… It’s like I’m a magnet for crazy stalkers,” the princess groaned.
The witch rolled her eyes. “Oh please honey, don’t even get me started on the number of times I’ve heard the ‘you’ve put a spell on me’ line…”
“Ladies, if you would? I’m in the middle of a rescue here,” the prince huffed, knocking his sword against a chair leg to get their attention.
“I don’t need to be rescued!” the princess shouted at him, “have you never heard of a date? I mean honestly, had I been kidnapped do you not think someone would have phoned the police?”
“B-but, she was sucking out your soul!” the prince said, pointing an accusing finger at the witch.
“I was trying to get to second base…” the witch growled, pouting a little.
“… And succeeding,” Courtney added. “I found Jennifer on Plenty of Fish. We both like kayaking and Angelina Jolie movies, but not Beowulf, that movie was trash.”
“Absolute garbage,” Jennifer added.
“So you’re a…” the prince trailed off, unsure of the politically correct term.
“A lesbian? Yes,” Courtney sighed. “And do you know how hard it is to find an interesting, career-driven woman these days?”
“Probably just as hard as finding a princess not just experimenting for the entertainment of her seven, vertically challenged friends,” the witch mused.
“I think you should leave,” Courtney said, glaring at the prince for interrupting their pleasant evening.
And so he did, riding off into the sunset alone—and the witch and the princess lived happily ever after, for about three weeks until they both decided to see other people.