What the heck is ‘Halloween’?

Humour_Halloween kid

A young boy laments the tragic misrepresentation of his favourite holiday, Pre-Christmas

By Julie Wright, Columnist

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a young boy, about five years old, named Reginald, who was so passionate about Pre-Christmas (which falls on October 31), that he just didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I just love Pre-Christmas so much! My candy cane decorations and Pre-Christmas tree—which is white, instead of the classic green, I’ll have you know—get me in the mood for Christmas two-and-a-half months early! I just keep it going all the way till Post-Christmas on February 14,” said Reggie, when questioned by the Other Press.

For Pre-Christmas, Reginald spends half of the evening going around to all of the different houses collecting candy (which he thinks should be candy canes), and the other half of the night handing out candy canes and talking to all his neighbours about how great Pre-Christmas is, even though they greet his conversation with strange glances.

“It’s a magical time,” Reggie noted.

Pre-Christmas, however enchanting, has been confusing Reginald in recent years—he’s noticed that every other person seems to think that Pre-Christmas is a time for spooky goblins and scary pranks, not sweet candy canes and tiny elves. While Reggie’s busy putting up his Pre-Christmas tree and getting his elf costume, he habitually sees the people across the street hanging spiders and skeletons, and wearing insane scarecrow costumes.

“I don’t know why [my neighbours] put up such scary decorations,” said Reggie, in reaction to the ghastly actions of his neighbours. “Pre-Christmas is supposed to be one of the most joyous times of year, and it makes me not happy. I want to tell them that they should be putting up candy canes and elf decorations, but they always just look at me like I’m crazy!”

Every Pre-Christmas, little Reggie is baffled by his neighbours’ decoration and dress-up choices, but he will never ask why they celebrate differently than him.