‘I’m back, baby,’ says Elvis Presley
By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer
Rock ’n roll fans, octogenarians, and conspiracy theorists around the world rejoiced when Elvis Presley resurfaced for the first time since 1977. He claims that he has spent the last 41 years chilling on a beach in Maui, living off the massive fortune the Presley estate amassed in the years before his supposed death.
“A lot of that money goes towards paying people off,” said Elvis, as he sipped on a Pepsi. “It takes a lot of cash to keep people quiet, even out here. I think we’re running out of people to bribe. Pretty much everyone on Maui is set for life by now.”
Elvis thanked Priscilla Presley, who managed the estate in Elvis’ absence, promoting merchandise in his image. She often visits Elvis in Maui, and the both of them essentially live as retirees.
“The whole heart attack thing was my idea,” said Priscilla. “For some reason, Elvis wanted the body double to be found on the toilet. I didn’t like it at first, but it turned out to be great for marketing. It really got people talking, thinking he went out like that.”
When asked if she had any moral objections to the deception, Priscilla shrugged. “We’ve got folks buying Elvis Pez dispensers, for cryin’ out loud, and you’re asking about morals?”
“I was really sick of show biz,” said Elvis, as he ran a comb through his ’50s pompadour wig. “Besides, it was the ’70s. Disco was bigger than Moby Dick. I knew I’d never be able to compete with it, so I decided the best thing to do was fake my own death. It’s a long game, but I think it’s gonna pay off. We’ve kept people crying ‘Elvis lives!’ for 40 years—just think of the bank we’ll make on the Elvis Presley comeback tour!”
According to Elvis, Maui is a popular destination for stars desperate to escape the public eye. “Oh yeah, we had Jim Morrison down here for a while. Said it did him more good than any rehab clinic he’d ever been to. And my heart goes out to that Tupac fella. I’ve worked Las Vegas, and I can tell you, it’s a tough town. Any kid who survives a thing like that deserves a little peace and quiet.” When pressed for details regarding the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis declined to comment.
When asked about his impending comeback tour, Elvis merely smiled. “Soon,” he said, pulling up his sagging swim trunks. “Real soon. Saved the white suit and everything. Not much sense in putting it off anymore, now that folks know where I am. Hell, I might as well make this my formal announcement. I can’t tell you much—don’t wanna ruin the surprise, you know—but I can tell you that it’s gonna be at—”
Unfortunately, Elvis Presley died of a heart attack on the spot.
The prices of Elvis-branded merchandise are predicted to skyrocket.