All the resolutions that were lost in the past week
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Zelda had decided to wake up at 6 a.m. every morning from January 1 and onwards. She had set out a steadfast plan to wake up, make coffee, and write or go for a run every day. Zelda and her family are sad to inform us that Zelda’s resolution died late in the morning on January 11, after Zelda snoozed her phone an alarming 43 times before getting out of bed at 1 p.m. that afternoon. Zelda’s resolution will be missed by her running buddies, the early birds outside her window, and her roommate who always drank the remains of her coffee.
Stephen had attempted to join a gym and get “hashtag fit fam hashtag lift lyfe” according to the young man’s Instagram profile. Stephen worked steadfastly at his resolution for a grand total of five days before it met its fate less than a week into January. “It will be missed,” Jones said, “but sometimes you just gotta let go. Sometimes god works in mysterious ways, and makes you stay home eating pizza rather than going to the gym.” Stephen’s resolution will be remembered going onwards in all the new workout equipment sitting in the corner of Stephen’s room, and the four gallons of protein powder taking up space in his cupboards.
Scott suffered a devastating loss this past weekend, as his resolution to quit smoking went up in flames around him. Scott had made a drunken promise to himself the night of New Year’s Eve to never touch a cigarette again in his life, but during a lunch break at work just yesterday, Scott’s determination died alongside his promise. Scott admits that it isn’t so bad, as the nicotine patches he purchased to help him quit give him quite the buzz when combined with smoking a real cigarette. Scott promises to revive his resolution in 2017.
Laura had high hopes that 2017 would be the year she finally stopped her online shopping addiction, and she made it almost the entire first half of the first month of the year before tragedy befell her. A 60 per cent off sale at Aritzia.com took her resolution out to the backyard with a shotgun in hand. Laura is unperturbed by this brutal death, as they had those cute little brown booties that she had been wanting to get for months but they were NEVER on sale and oh my god okay she just had to get them. Laura may have cut up all her credit cards in a fit of righteousness, but unfortunately the websites all had her card numbers pre-inputted.