Total square attends first college party

A first-hand invigorating experience

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

I didn’t think college would be the place where people would party and be reckless. It’s an institute for learning; how could anyone even take enough time away from studying to attend a party? Nevertheless, I quite unexpectedly finished my lab report early and had a Friday night free. My lab partner, Steven, invited me to a get-together stemming from some other chums in our beginners chemistry course, and I anticipated a great chance to catch up with others on the course material between sipping a cold soda. My only worry was how many books I should bring.

Arriving at the party, my first thought was that I should’ve left the lab coat at home. We arrived about an hour after the invitation said, and people were already intoxicated. Looking back, I suppose it was no surprise that alcoholic beverages would be consumed to end the week, but I couldn’t believe people were actually allowing themselves to be inebriated. Steven handed me a beer, but I laughed loudly and searched in the kitchen for something a little less strong.

There was beer, more beer, vodka, whiskey… didn’t anyone value drinking for social reasons instead of addictive ones? Finally I found some cans of “Palm Bay Spritz.” I had never tasted this particular brand of pop, but one sip and it was even sweeter than Sprite. Satisfied I had found a suitable beverage to drink all night, I decided to mingle with my fellow classmates.

One boy, who had many cans duct-taped together for some reason, asked me what I should turn down for in broken English. I replied “For the pursuit of education, independence, liberty, and to calm oneself.” He called me an expletive and handed me another Palm Bay, which I happily accepted, having drank the first a little too quickly. The second seemed even better than the first.

My last memory of the party is an hour or so later after my fifth of those delightful Palm Bays. I don’t know if it was the atmosphere or the second-hand carcinogenic tetrahydrocannabinol smoke I was exposed to, but I was feeling quite light-headed and happy. Having stripped off my lab coat, vest, shirt, and trousers, I was just getting ready to lead a conga line to the Macarena when someone handed me a Red Bull with an empty shot glass floating in it.

I awoke the next morning in a daze somewhere in the forest.

Despite my citation for sleeping in a protected green area, I consider the party to have been a rousing success. I can’t wait for Steven’s birthday party next weekend. Maybe I’ll even try alcohol this time.