As your President of the Students
By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager
Are you sick of a government that doesn’t really do anything?
Fed up with the corruption, bribery, and murder that are ALWAYS associated with council elections?
Are you tired—just like, really, really tired?
I know I am.
Hi, my name is Chandler Walter, and I want YOU! …. to vote for me, as your next student president.
When elected I promise I will:
– Abolish ALL tuition fees.
– Singlehandedly stop the pipeline. Which pipeline you ask? ALL the pipelines!
– Provide FREE candy always!
– Have couches. Couches everywhere.
– Install a hot tub in every classroom.
– Puppy room? More like Puppy SCHOOL! They’ll be everywhere! It’ll be so dang cute. Awe.
– Get, like, a big, big bed. (For naps only, kids.)
– Make sure EVERYONE gets a MacBook! I’ll be like the Oprah of Douglas College. A MacBook for you, and you, and even you, puppy!
– Ensure that, most importantly, our Tim Horton’s will have Roll Up the Rim cups all year round.
All this and more could be yours, all you have to do is VOTE*!
*All those who vote for me are thereby signing a binding contract, and once elected I will demand your respect, absolute obedience, and lifelong servitude. Also, I will demand 60-plus hours per week of “volunteer” work from each student to help fund our new world—I mean, school.
After I take over, there will be no school transfers—ever. All those who leave the Mother-school will be deemed traitors and shunned by all those of The Great Beginning.
As your Grand Leader, I vow to conquer both SFU and UBC by 2016 (though, after my election, it will be considered Year 1). Their campuses shall be ours! Their students will be our thralls and shall write all of our references and bibliographies for us! For even the smallest of colleges can rise up from earnest beginnings to rewrite the pages of history (textbooks).
All of my kin and future successors will be of pure Samurai descent (I am half-Japanese, after all) and thus will be wise, fair, and great leaders in battle. Our lineage will continue longer than the Targaryens, and will control so many campuses that people will say that “the sun never sets on Douglas College.”
Make me your king—I mean, Student President—and together we shall create a Douglas College Empire—I mean, school system—the likes of which have never been seen!
In the words of Tolkien, “I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!”
What more could you want in a Divine and All Powerful Ruler?
Oh, also, I will see to it that there will be more drinking fountains. We really don’t have enough of those. Sometimes I have to walk halfway across campus to fill up my water bottle—and there goes my whole break! I don’t even have time to get a snack if I have to walk all the way to the drinking fountain. It’s like, come on; you’d think we could put more of those in, right?
DOUGLAS COLLEGE, UNDER MY BANNER, UNITE!