‘This city is dead, just like us,’ lazy citizens complain
By Isabelle Orr, Contributor
This past Wednesday evening, citizens of Metro Vancouver were shocked to find that there was absolutely nothing to do.
Elise Clayton, a 24-year-old waitress and self-proclaimed photographer, was the first to realize that the Wednesday evening in question held absolutely no events or activities for anyone, at all. Elise has lived in Vancouver for the past decade.
“Except when I studied abroad in Montreal,” she told reporters. “There’s always so much to do there.”
Clayton and two close friends, Mindy Sinclair and Toni Valin (both 24), searched in vain for something—anything—to do. Three days earlier on Sunday morning, the trio had made a plan to “take it easy during the week,” after a particularly intense night out. Sources say this lasted until approximately Tuesday afternoon when Clayton sent “whats goin on tomo nite” in a WhatsApp group message between the three of them.
Vancouver is the eighth largest city in Canada, with hundreds of restaurants, galleries, bars, and music venues. Despite this, all three were shocked where there was nothing at all to do.
Many have moved to Vancouver due to the city’s bustling allure. Charles Bugley, who recently moved here from a small town on Vancouver Island, was shocked at the lack of activities.
“I moved here because there’s always something to do,” the 26-year-old musician—who also resells clothes he finds in nonprofit thrift stores at a 90 percent markup—told the Other Press. “So, imagine my surprise when I found there was nothing to do Wednesday night. Not a single thing.”
Bugley added he had an uncle who lived off Commercial Drive who had been trying to meet up with him for the last two months, and an old college friend who wanted to “grab a drink with him whenever he was free.”
“But I don’t really feel like doing either one of those things right now,” Bugley told reporters.
Around 7:45 pm Clayton and Sinclair were reminded via Facebook alert that Jolene Morrison was having an intimate birthday gathering at the Emerald with her and her closest 26 friends (Toni was not invited as she once called Jolene’s hand-painted tote bags “Honestly, so awful.”) The gathering was swiftly shot down by Clayton.
“That’s at least a 15-minute bus ride,” she said. “Plus, it’s raining out.”
Elise Clayton’s well-meaning mother, Maureen Clayton, popped her head in her daughter’s room at around 8:14 pm. “Why don’t you girls take a walk?” she said. “I hate to see you all cooped up in here like this.”
Elise Clayton and company protested that they didn’t bring any good walking shoes, and besides, there was the aforementioned rain.
Clayton’s mother then mentioned that she had four free passes to the Vancouver International Film Festival, maybe they could all go together, just the girls. The younger Clayton protested that her ex had a film in the festival, and besides, she didn’t want to go with her mom, that would be so sad.
Several bars were suggested, including some that were hosting themed trivia nights. The group was reminded that they couldn’t go to that one because “Toni’s ex was a bartender there,” and they couldn’t go to the other one because it was “rumoured that there was a dead rat in the ice machine, and that’s why Toni was so sick after New Year’s.” A quick Facebook search revealed a close friend had an improv show—this reporter wouldn’t want to go to that, either.
At around 9:45 pm the group seemed resigned to their fate and were last seen swiping on Tinder with dead eyes.
It should be noted that all three had laundry, dishes, and school assignments that were being severely neglected at the time of the interview.