The atheists arrive
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
We normally don’t meddle in the affairs of… holidays. We sit in our homes and our Starbucks, living through December as if it were any other month. We atheists take no part in the wars of Christmas. Usually.
This year was different. This December changed everything. It all started with my morning coffee. We delighted in the red Starbucks cups, and laughed as anger took those around us. “It’s just a cup,” we told them. Oh how wrong we were. That cup sparked the wheels of war that would consume us all, Christians, Jewish people, and atheists alike.
And now we march. We march into the snowy battlefield of the North Pole armed to the teeth with logical fallacies and keyboard blades. Some agnostics rallied to our cause, though many remained in their basements, caring not for the troubles of religions. Before us lies a war that has been waged for ages. Behind us, our loved ones, unsure which holiday (or lack thereof) will emerge victorious, which god (or lack thereof) to pray to for our safety.
The elves and snowmen have the remaining army of Hanukkah surrounded on Holiday hill. Explosive dreidel bursts ring out through the air, but for the most part it has become a war of attrition. We come to defend the right of the Red Cup, and we do not plan on taking any prisoners.
The enemy spots us, and regroups to form ranks against ours. They best us in number, but there is one thing we have on our side that they have never faced: trolls. From every basement dungeon and every YouTube comments page we rallied them. Dull they may be, but they know how to fight viciously. We unleash the hordes into the very heart of the Christmas army, watching them being torn to pieces by the cutting words and unsound arguments of the trolls.
We watch some ways back as the battle rages, though the tide turns against us. The armies of Hanukkah and Christmas have joined into an uneasy alliance, knowing that any holiday at all is better than none. They smash through our lines, and flank us with their superior numbers.
Bodies of trolls and snowmen lock in combat, elves fight with tooth and nail. Dreidel bursts are everywhere. There is no turning back now. There is no god to save us. Waves of chaos convulse around me as a sea before a storm, and one wave comes crashing down upon me as a horn sounds in the distance.