After weeks of ungodly snowfall, Lower Mainlanders rejoice at return to greyish normalcy
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Vancouverites have been seen celebrating this past week as the horrific torrents of snowfall have given way to dour, overcast skies and near-constant rainfall.
“This is the best day of my life,” sobbed Vancouverite Chudley Cannon in the middle of a rainstorm on Sunday. “Never have I felt more blessed, more glad to be alive. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?”
Cannon then proceeded to fling his arms out in a manner similar to the “Praise the Sun” motion from Dark Souls. It should be noted that Cannon was dressed in only a pair of Transformers boxer shorts at the time, and had clearly been standing out in the rain for hours.
The Lower Mainland has spent the last few months under the oppressive weight of unprecedented snowfall. Many have been forced to actually invest in items such as snow boots, wool jackets, and snow tires to survive the harsh Canadian winter. This has largely been seen as a tremendous inconvenience and entirely inhumane on the part of Mother Nature.
“I think it’s revenge for pollution,” said Cannon. “You know, a little reminder that climate change is coming, and that we’re probably all going to die. That’s the feeling I got during every snow dump. Just a pressing feeling that the end is nigh.”
The latest snowfall occurred at the beginning of March; however, it has largely melted off since then. Celebrations in the Vancouver area—indeed, throughout the Lower Mainland—have been taking place ever since, with song, dance, and prayer. Some have described it as “jubilant,” “life-affirming,” and “not too far off the Ewok celebration at the end of Revenge of the Sith.”
“My daughter was born during the last snowfall, she’s never seen so many days of overcast before,” sobbed one woman, who had been standing in the rain with a newborn child in a waterproof pram. “For awhile I thought she’d never know a life of endless grey, never know what it is to truly live in Vancouver… but lo, the snow has passed, and we are forever grateful to the skies.”
The celebratory crowd then broke into a heartfelt rendition of a traditional hymn, “The Snow is Passing Over (Hallelujah).”
Some were asked how they felt about the impending summer, and if they were excited for the return of the occasional sunny day. The response was largely one of confusion.
“‘Sun?’ What… what is this ‘sun?’” asked Cannon. “It’s not like snow, is it? I don’t think I could handle more snow. No, let’s just hope it stays like this: Wet, grey, and a little miserable. It’s what we know and love best.”