Spice up your love life with some terror
By Erin Meyers, Contributor
Illustration by Janis McMath
Werewolf
Pros:
An animal in the streets and in the sheets. A guard dog and a boyfriend for the price of one. Has a cool wardrobe of authentic ripped jeans and plaid. House-trained.
Cons:
Always bitching about the moon. He has a nasty habit of sticking his nose in people’s asses when he first meets them. You probably don’t want to introduce him to your grandmother that lives in the middle of the woods either. Also, there’s no way to avoid it—you’re a furry.
Illustration by Janis McMath
Vampire
Pros:
Polite, always waits for permission before entering your home. When you’re cold, he has a cape to lend you—which is much cooler than an oversized hoodie.
Cons:
Probably just wants you for your blood, like most of your exes.
Zombie
Pros:
Looking for brains over beauty. Likes long, dragging limps on the beach.
Cons:
Literally wants you for your brains.
Headless Horseman
Pros:
He never kisses with tongue.
Cons:
Constantly losing his head over the little things.
Demon
Pros:
He’s gotta a lotta soul(s).
Cons:
His parents think you’re a bad influence on him.
Illustration by Janis McMath
Skeleton
Pros:
A very supportive partner, always there to hold you together. Super attractive, due to his fantastic bone structure. Great xylophone player.
Cons:
None.
Swamp Thing
Pros:
Owns his own land. Really into nature and all things outdoors. David Attenborough is narrating his autobiography.
Cons:
Vegan.
Illustration by Janis McMath
Tentacle Monster
Pros:
Girl, you already know the pros. He can also carry a lot of grocery bags at once.
Cons:
Probably infidelity because he has about 30 dicks.
