Unpacking the complex characters of the Mario world
By Jessica Berget, Contributor
If you pick Mario as your main you either hate yourself or you are very, very boring. Mind-numbingly-boring. Mario is the vanilla milkshake of the group. He’s often the centre of attention, even though there’s nothing particularly special about him. If Mario was a person, he would be one of those guys you always see at parties, but when you finally talk to him, all he does is make sexist jokes and lecture you for 30 minutes about how good the movie Fight Club was. Mario is definitely the missionary position of all Mario Kart characters.
Hello tall, dark, and handsome. You are a certified hunk with a rebellious streak and a total underdog. You possess a sensitive side that only few have seen with a seductive air of mystery to you. You always leave people wanting more, and you know what they say about the size of a man’s overalls…
Slutty and proud. If Peach is your main, you are a loud and proud sex-positive feminist. It’s hard not to be when you think about all the cruel names you were subject to when choosing Peach in Mario Kart as a kid (because misogyny is deeply ingrained into our society). When you are not writing sex-positive feminist prose or reading bell hooks, you are probably sucking some Donkey Kong dong. Get it girl!
“Complete anarchists” is the only way to describe people who choose Bowser. You bring chaos and destruction with you wherever you go, especially the racetrack. You most likely listen to a lot of jazz metal or German screamo and own at least two chokers. Your main hobbies are starting mosh pits in grocery stores (they always play such bangin’ tunes there), shopping at Hot Topic, and reading The Communist Manifesto. Well done, comrade.
Despite your rough, primal nature, you are known as a snazzy dresser rarely seen without wearing a tie (no one has to know it’s a clip-on). Your passion for fashion and comedic timing make you a hit in any social scenario and it doesn’t hurt that you can play some mean bongos. When you’re not seducing people to the soothing sounds of the bongo you’re probably lifting barrels at the gym. Power up, bro!
You are not a good person, and nobody likes you. I hate to break it to you but it’s the truth. Your too-tight overalls and maniac laughter tend to make a lot of people uncomfortable. If you actually prefer Wario as your main you may need to stop and reconsider some of your life choices, or get some help. Next time you find yourself choosing Wario you may want to ask yourself: have I truly suffered? Is this really the kind of life I want to lead?
Sweet, pure, too good for this world, like a freshly baked cinnamon roll. People who choose the gender ambiguous Toad are terrific friends with a dark, competitive side. In a world riddled with chaos and destruction (also known as Rainbow Road) you are the only one not screaming curse words at the TV screen or smashing your controller. People who choose Toad are the best people you will ever know. Protect them at all costs. But also beware of them on the track, because they’ll kick your ass.
Yoshi players are sassy and adorable, but tend to be a bit quiet and shy in social situations. They try to stay on the safe side both in real life and in Mario Kart (which explains why Moo Moo Farm is their favourite track). When you’re not helping a friend out of a jam, you’re most likely knitting themselves some sweater vests, or entertaining a party with your egg-laying skills. You wouldn’t want to get on a Yoshi player’s bad side, though. They will eat you alive and spit you back out again, literally and figuratively.