Why are these cars not social distancing?

Chief Medical Officer urges cars to wear face masks

By Craig Allan, Staff Writer

In a world where social distancing is the norm, people are staying 2 metres apart and observing the guidelines. However, there is one group that is flat out refusing to social distance. Our four wheeled friend… the car. Should cars have to social distance? 75-year-old Coquitlam resident Sonya Richardson thinks so.

“Everywhere I go I see cars not properly socially distancing. They are parked together at the mall, the park, and on the streets these cars are bumper to bumper. It is both inappropriate—and also too close.” To showcase this, Richardson sent a DVD of footage of these cars behaving badly to the police station. After searching the entire office for a DVD player, the officers eventually found a player and played the DVD. In the end Richardson just sent a copy of the movie Cars to the station, but it was Cars 2, so it was horrifying.

Under this mounting evidence of car mischief, the police department sent a letter to Chief Medical Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry urging her to set down rules for social distancing. On Monday, Dr. Henry in her daily COVID update enacted her car social distancing legislation. Her new rules state that cars are to remain two meters apart at all time, must wear a mask over their front grill that can be attached to the side mirrors, and their wheels must always be wearing plastic covers when handling those tough curves in the road. She also recommended that the cars should not be sticking their dipsticks into any other cars tail pipes until the virus is under control.

As part of these new ordinances, there is also a clause that says that cars cannot get any professional waxing or self-care help until the curve is more significantly flattened. This has put a real strain on businesses like Larry’s Car Wash, whose business will have to shut down due to his inability to ensure the safe washing of cars without transmitting the virus. “If cars can’t get waxed or go through my drive-thru car wash, then my business is out of business.” said Larry Kiddick.

This also hurt the fun car hobby of parking, where cars would come to an area and just park themselves for hours while people went inside somewhere to shop or have fun. With only 50 cars allowed per lot, owners will now have to find better ways to engage their car’s active mind. One concerned citizen said “What am I supposed to do? Park it on the street? I can’t do that. The street is too close to the SkyTrain, and my car does not like having to watch those entitled SkyTrain cars running up and down the track. He feels they are overcompensating for something. I never know what that means but that’s how he feels.”

It looks like during this pandemic, no one will be able to have fun. For our arrow dynamic friends, it seems like if they want to talk with each other, the only way they will be able to do it will be through their dashboard display screens. That’s great for the newer models, but for older models with no display screen, this year looks like it will be pretty lonely. They will be stuck in their garages yearning to be in Saskatchewan—where the cars are able to roam free in the wide-open spaces.