Missed connections

I saw you…

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor


SkyTrain Soapbox W4M

Me, a lowly student waiting for the Expo Line to Production Way at New Westminster station. You, some kind of GamerGate dudebro on the other platform, talking about the forced inclusion of diversity in gaming and how the problems in Mass Effect: Andromeda’s animation rigging was somehow the fault of the “SJWs.” I felt, upon listening to you, that we were somehow meant for one another. I’m sure of it; yes, we are soulmates. You are the arch-nemesis of all my lifetimes, and I must find you again so that we can fight one another to the death.

You can pick the time and place. Email me your opinions about sending death threats to female game devs so I that it’s you.


meowww m4?

I saw u as I was walking home last 2sday and it was luv at 1st site. u had beautiful black hair and enormous green eyes that shone in the dark. before I could talk 2 u tho u disappeared into a bush. my <3 was </3. u were the most beautiful cat I have ever seen and I think we should be 2gether 4ever. pls come find me. I <3 u mr kitty.


Some kind of REM bullshit N/A4?

I’ve been looking for you all my life, but I’ve never needed you more than now. I feel like I’ve caught glimpses of you in the wind, the rain, my own reflection, but I’ve never trusted these moments. Please, God, if you’re out there, show me a sign. Finals are coming. I have a 20-page essay due tomorrow, and I haven’t started. I could really use some divine intervention right about now.


probably my soulmate w4w

It was last Friday outside the Wings by Lougheed when I saw you—short, red-haired, and very angry. You challenged a passing minivan to a fist-fight while your friends held you back, then proceeded to vomit behind a bush. When you came back, you told a garbage can to “watch its fool self” before walking directly into a street lamp. I think I’m in love with you. Call me?


I should have asked when I had the chance… w4?

I smelled u before I saw u—the most delicious fragrance, salt and heat and something intrinsically u. when I saw u I new I had 2 have u, but I was 2 shy to say anything and b4 I could find my voice u were gone. U were the most delicious poutine ive ever seen in my whole life, and I don’t know where u came from. Dis was close to the waves on front street and if u no where I can find this poutine PLS MESSAGE ME ITS HAUNTING MY DREAMS.