Vancouver issue brings changes to law
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Vancouver is known as a rainy city (suck it, Seattle) and as such there is one daily item that many Vancouverites will never leave their houses, apartments, or dorm rooms without: an umbrella.
Unfortunately, however, not many who tote such objects seem to have any idea how to use them. While most are capable of grasping the idea that holding it—open!—above one’s own head creates a sanctuary from cold wet drops, there is a much larger and deeper understanding of umbrellas at work that goes unknown to many walking Vancouver’s damp sidewalks.
Namely: etiquette. As soon as October and November roll around on the West Coast, Vancouver police and hospitals are up to their damp hair in cases concerning poked out eyeballs, hurt feelings, and the occasional fist fight resulting from bad personal space-awareness.
To combat this, the RCMP has implemented strict laws enforcing umbrella etiquette on the streets of Vancouver. Those caught violating the new umbrella laws will be subject to fines from $170 to, in cases of extreme rudeness, a mandatory minimum sentence of 3 years in prison.
“I think it’s great that the police are finally stepping up to do something about this,” said Vancouverite Beatrice Dryle. “Too many times have I been walking along the sidewalk and then some inconsiderate a-hole forces me off the walkway with his oversized umbrella! I’ve had it! Lock ’em all up!”
Those looking to escape the cold, dark solitude of a prison cell need to follow these guidelines set up by the RCMP:
- Literally just don’t be a dick.
Even with the simplicity of these new regulations, the police are sad to report that upwards of 350 people have been locked up or fined, even with this being only the first day of the new laws taking place.
“I just don’t know what to say,” said Constable Rick Reamsway. “I didn’t think it would be this bad. People were hardly even moving their umbrellas out of the way as other people with umbrellas walked by. The collisions were devastating. I saw… this might be too graphic to say… okay, I saw someone get a drip of rain right down the back of their neck. It was terrifying.” Evidently, Reamsway immediately tasered and arrested the man whose umbrella had committed the atrocious act, though that brought little solace to the victim.
The Vancouver PD hopes that the city will eventually clean up their act, but until that time they will continue to fine, arrest, and brutalize all those they see breaking Vancouver’s newest and most important law.
This is a satirical piece that has nothing to do with any of the actual named parties.